songerein | [closed]

Entry tags:

[closed]

Who: Father Nier and Brother Nier
Which: Closed Log
Where: lakeside
What: gone fishing
Warnings: mentions of death

[He heard about Nier from Kainé while he was in Reverein. This Nier had been much more older and possibly wiser than him. He was hoping to learn more about the other man who called himself Yonah's father. As far as he was concerned, he didn't even know that Yonah's father was still alive. He distinctly remembers his mother and growing up with her inside of the house within the village. She taught him how to manage things like chores and wouldn't let him tend to the garden until he was old enough to. When she passed away he had to go look out for himself and Yonah. There was very little choice for him in the matter. At the same time, he wonders if the other Nier had more responsibilities or more work. He seems reliable and kind. It might be nice to spend time with him more on a fishing trip.]

Hey, it's good to see you again.

[There's a rod in his hand its fishing time.]

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[He has come to this not exactly knowing what to expect. And a part of him... can't help thinking that this is the sort of thing that... a father would do with his son. In the grand spectrum of things, if he's Yonah's brother, then it makes sense that at some point he had a father. And in another very bizarre way, he is as close to a son as Nier will come to have. But is he projecting? He must be in some fashion.

There's not a breath that goes by where he doesn't miss his daughter. Or his wife. Impossible not to think of both when there's a younger Nier wandering about in this world.

Either way, he's accepted this proposal for something that some would find entirely mundane. To him, it's an opportunity to do something he otherwise wouldn't have had the time to do for leisurely pursuit. Seemed like every other time he's been at a dock, on a beach, whatever the case might be, it's been for the sake of someone else. He can't last remember when he went fishing for himself.

He lifts his fishing rod. Just like the one he used back home. Yeah, he's all in on this.]

Hey. You doing okay?

I'm fine....and yourself?

[He's been through a lot over the past few months and he still hasn't come to terms with any of it. If he was being completely honest he'd say he was bothered by a lot of things. Nier doesn't even understand why he finds it so difficult to just tell the truth and speak up when he's being asked something simple. It's easier to give a shorter reply instead of making things more complicated. ]

It looks like you're ready to go fishing.

[Nier's response is a simple roll of his shoulder. At first, anyway.]

I've had worse days. This isn't so bad.

[Sure beats not existing. It's a thought that leaves him just a touch bitter.

At the observation of his person, Nier takes a moment to eye his fishing rod and he gives a little nod.]

Going fishing actually meant going fishing, right? Like, that's not some secret code phrase you're using. Because if it is, I don't know what else it could mean.

It's not some secret code phrase. I don't want to get strangely cryptic and make things more wordy than they need to be. Weiss used to enjoy rambling and saying stuff that makes no sense.

[ To be fair, Weiss is a book. That was his specialty. He would always go off and talk about the most random topics to the point where his voice would scare the fish away. ]

There's a fishing spot we can use nearby.

I like to assume that Weiss was probably just talking our ears off with whatever his contents were. Don't know about you, but I never actually tried cracking him open to see what was on his pages.

[Although now that he's mentioning it, he's dreadfully curious. That probably wouldn't have ended well. Something-something-something sullying the fine pages of one Grimoire Weiss or whatever.]

We going to that lake in the forest or did you find another place? I did a little asking around when you invited me and that seemed to be the place the locals could tell me about. Sounds like you've been here a bit, though. You and Kainé both.

Yeah, something like that. Kainé and I showed up a while back...two months before give or take. She helped me out with a lot of things. I'm grateful to have her company and she might not remember me, but it's okay.

[ He just kind of looks around the area again and double checks his fishing equipment. Fishing is serious business for him. ]

We can go to the lake, sure. It's not too far from here.

[She might not remember him. Right. He got that impression from speaking with her as well. But it's not like she remembers everything that he does either. It's just one more question to add onto the pile of preexisting ones.

He nods slowly, rolling his shoulder as he adjusts the way his pole is resting over it, as if it's some glorified sword lying in wait. Maybe he'll just skewer the fish. Wouldn't that be a sight.]

Lake it is.

[As he walks along, he realises that he's not great at this small talk kind of thing. Well, sometimes he is. If it's with people he knows. If it's with people who aren't...

Like a...

No. He can't even think like that. That's presumptuous.]

You doing okay?

[And he still can't stop himself from playing the father role.]

I...

[ He looks up curiously and hesitates to answer. He doesn't understand why he's struggling so much. He clenches his fist together and shakes his head. ]

I don't know. I've been here for over two months and I understand this isn't my world, but that's not what's bothering me. Too many things aren't adding up and I haven't figured out what I'm going to do about it. It's frustrating to be in the dark with everything. Sorry for making you listen to all that.

[ He's always managed things on his own up until now. He has some frustrations but he knows he shouldn't just dump them all onto Nier. ]

[He listens attentively, knowing very well that a lot of this Nier's feelings and his own are similar. Reflections of one another. That shouldn't surprise him and honestly, it really doesn't. They might have a plethora of years between them, but they aren't so different.

He's right, though. Things aren't adding up. Old Man Nier still has plenty of his own questions that have no answers. And he still doesn't think he's going to be getting them. It's all just a headache and he can't bring himself to deal with it.]

Not something you need to be sorry about. [He shakes his head, casting just a brief glance down to his counterpart before he continues.] You feel how you feel. That isn't something you should ever feel sorry over. What is it that you're trying to figure out? I probably won't be able to fix it, but maybe if you talk about it, you'll find the answer.

Alright, I'll keep that in mind. There's a lot of things I'm still trying to figure out. You're one of them.

[He looks over and stares at the older Nier. They don't look that similar but he feels a sense of familiarity somehow. Sharing a name isn't what's bugging him. ]

How did you meet Kainé?

["You're one of them."

Not a surprise in the least. This younger incarnation of Nier remains his own type of enigma and his older incarnation doesn't quite know what to make of it. It'd be easy to say he'll put it aside and address it later, but in a world where he has nothing but time to think and consider, it's obviously not that convenient to just pretend it isn't there.

And then there's Kainé. Nier's eyebrows lift.]

Kainé? In the Aerie. [After a pause, he continues.] When we were leaving the Aerie, actually. There was a deserted encampment right outside. Not so deserted, I guess. Not sure where she was when we were headed in. Never bothered to ask. I assumed it was the same for you.

[Because his assumption has and continues to be that their experiences are largely the same. How that's possible he can't begin to know.]

Something like that, yeah. I met Kainé in the Aerie when I was only sixteen years old.

[ He feels like he's grown a lot since then and gained many experiences. ]

She was always there to help me out and I owe her a lot. Kainé's the reason why I'm still alive today. She's really strong and capable.

[Sixteen. Just how old is this Nier that he's walking with? As he ponders on it, how old is he? At some point age comes with days and months and years that all blend together. It's not likely that he's exactly forgotten, but somehow a mere number just seems insulting to describe either of their experiences. There's a popular saying that age is just a number. Nier is certain he subscribes to this newsletter.]

You're right. She's very capable.

[He can't help but find humour in this. She'd hate it if she knew they were talking about her the way they are. She can never endure a kind thing said about herself, after all. But when one is only familiar with a lack of kindness, that's to be expected. Kainé has been embraced by cruelty from those around her. It stands to reason that blows and abuse she would almost welcome, considering its familiarity.]

But I'm willing to bet you're just as strong. Just as capable.

Kainé's powerful and she can take care of herself.

[ This Nier would be around twenty-one years old. He's not that young but he's not that old either. He had already experienced the harshness of the world at such a young age. Growing up on his own was difficult and he owes a lot to the twins back in the village. Even then, it wasn't that simple. They brought their own complications. Life is hard no matter what age you're at. ]

For a long time I was relying on my friends so I wouldn't call myself anything special.

If you can't rely on your friends, your family, then who can you rely on?

[The old man shakes his head.] Not everything can be done alone. Life isn't meant to be lived alone either. Our friends and our family are what make us stronger. It's not because we're capable of doing everything on our own. Kainé can't do everything on her own either. She's capable and strong, but not invincible. Neither are you. Neither am I.

[Lifting his free hand, he gestures somewhat absentmindedly.]

We're all the same. All capable. But we're all stronger when we're unified.

[He can just hear Kainé scoffing. Her Nier Sentimentality senses are likely tingling.]

Agreed. With everyone else by our side there's nothing we can't do. I don't think I'm that strong on my own. It was really tough fighting out there alone.

[ His expression sinks into a frown because of his own weakness. He doesn't particularly see himself as strong. How could he be strong if he can't even protect a single person? The younger Nier was harsher on himself because he had always believed that he was the only one who had to defend Yonah. That isn't necessarily true anymore so maybe the burden feels a little lighter. ]

Did you ever get scared?

[He has every intention to correct Nier, but the question catches him off guard. Of course he's felt afraid. It's not something he's keen to admit, but this is an instance where it might be necessary. And beneficial. Through adversity one gains strength.]

Probably more than I'd like to admit to.

[He thumbs the side of his nose with a stern expression that gives way to something lighter.]

Nothing wrong with fear. It's what keeps us alive. Keeps us from doing anything too reckless. Can't protect someone if you aren't around, after all.

Sometimes life doesn't give us a choice. We either stand and fight to protect what's important or we risk losing it all. I'd rather take some risks than do nothing.

[ Some could see that as pure recklessness, but young Nier stands to only lose more if he gives into fear. He has so few options or maybe he just never found a better way to handle the situation before them. It's possible there was some kind of answer they haven't found. After all, they know so very little about the nature of their own existence. ]

I could never forgive myself if I just let Yonah get hurt. She needs you too.

Exactly. Couldn't have said it better myself.

[A lot of that reasoning is what's propelled him to litter his past with what he has. He can't begin to think that his years of fighting were for nothing. In the end, after all, he accomplished what he set out to do. Just... not in the way he pictured himself doing so.

It's hard to go into any of this and not feel a semblance of regret. But that's what life is all about. Reassessment. Reevaluation. There's always a way he could have been a better man. A better father.]

No one expects you to just stand aside. If you're anything the way I was, and I'm beginning to get this idea that you and I have more in common than just our names, there's nothing that's gonna stop you. And maybe one day, you won't have to fight so hard to save Yonah.

We have more in common than just our names? I don't know what to think about that. It could be true. I'm still trying to figure things out so I'm unsure what to make of it.

[ He sounds very lost and confused. Nier hardly understands anything about his own world. ]

I was really hoping it would make more sense later, but I still haven't made any ground with it. If Yonah could be happy and healthy that's all I could ever ask for.

Well. Yonah, for one. That's a pretty big one if you ask me. We both would obviously do anything for her. That probably defines a lot of who we are and what lengths we're willing to go for someone. It says a lot.

[Actions always do. Words are incredibly easy to use and he's not always the best with his, but actions are harder. As a consequence, the results of actions tend to be far more amplified than those of words.]

Given that every conversation we have turns back to your concern for Yonah, that pretty much solidifies what I feel like I need to know about you. You love your sister. You'd do anything for her. You'd likely die for her. Your entire world is Yonah.

[So who is he and what is he like when he isn't obsessing over her? The same question can be reflected to the old man at present, and being in this world is giving him all of the opportunity he needs to reach that.]

She's my only family. The villagers cared about Yonah so much and it's thanks to them that we were able to get by. There wasn't much I could do for her by myself. Sometimes I would grow vegetables just to keep food on the table.

[ He will always be thankful for having people who cared enough to watch over them. Devola and Popola played some part in that as well. Of course things ended up becoming complicated later down the line. They had been involved with the Shadowlord for reasons that Nier still doesn't understand. He always too focused on one singular goal to the point where he loses sight of nearly everything else. So the younger Nier isn't without faults. ]

I'm just doing what I can. You're Yonah's father. You might understand what that's like.

[He nods along slowly.]

It's true. Same situation for me. I could only do what I could do. Devola and Popola helped where I couldn't. I'd love to say I was able to do everything for Yonah, but the truth is that I wasn't. That's just how it was. I got to where I did with the help of others. That includes Kainé and Emil.

So hey... it's about Devola and Popola. I might have said some terrible things to them before. I'm sorry.

[ There's a very long silence. The smaller Nier is prone to getting emotional and lashing out. Devola and Popola had to witness it first hand. He certainly feels guilty for getting angry with them. Of course, he wouldn't yell at them without a good reason. Still, he didn't like the idea of fighting someone he cared about. It was a difficult time for everyone. He let's out a deep sigh and closes his eyes. ]

Everything became complicated back home because of the Shadowlord.

[ It's all the Shadowlord's fault. It's all the Shades fault. That's what younger Nier wants to think.]

[He shakes his head.]

That's not really something you should apologise for. There's a lot of stuff they did that I don't agree with.

[The manipulation, for one. Nier's often felt as if the life he and Yonah led was some sort of lie. Some kind of life that was made for them rather than being truly their own. Almost kind of like they were created for that soul purpose of transference. Nier's heard the explanation, but still can't say he gets it. He's himself, but he's also not himself. Just what is that supposed to mean anyway?]

And as you said, the presence of the Shadowlord only made things more difficult to understand. That's all there is to it. You can't apologise for that kind of stuff. Saying stuff to any of them. Fact of the matter is, you and I got used. I think we're allowed to be angry about it.

[Angry is an understatement. Nier spent a good portion of his time being downright pissed.]

You too? I just couldn't believe what they were doing and then I yelled at them. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do, but I was so angry. I don't think I'm in a position to criticize them when I'm like this.

[ He had heard about their true intentions and purpose. It still doesn't make any sense to him. Devola was always very kind and Popola would teach him things about the world. Whenever he went out to work the twins would take care of little Yonah. He frowns being unable to hide his sadness.]

It shouldn't have turned out that way.

[How heavy.

'Right' and 'wrong' are concepts that are ridiculously hard to apply to this situation. He doesn't know if their experiences have been identical. They've obviously shared some experiences. It's probably not a stretch to think they've been very similar, if not identical. Devola and Popola had their reasons for doing as they were. Reasons that they probably thought were justified and necessary. As justified and as necessary as he felt his own reasons were for making his way to the Shadowlord to begin with. And as justified and necessary as his younger counterpart likely had for responding.

All actions are worthy of a response and all actions lead to a consequence. He shakes his head yet again.]

It shouldn't have. They shouldn't have done what they did. We shouldn't have had to go through what we did.

[But they did and there's no going back to fix it or change it. They can only pick up the pieces and move forward to the best of their ability. He wishes he could be more reassuring, but that's really it at the end of the day.]

We can't change the past so I don't know what to think anymore really.

[ He felt his entire world crumble before him that day. When he was younger Devola and Popola would help him find work in the village. They'd spare extra food and coin so that he could survive with Yonah. Even now Nier doesn't want to believe they could be capable of something so horrible. ]

Do we have to accept things as they are now?

[ He sounds pensive and uncertain but there's also deep sadness with his voice. ]

In terms of the past, we might have to. If only because of what you said before. We can't change the past, which is true. So if we can't change it, then we don't have much of a choice but to accept it.

[He shakes his head slowly. It's not the answer he wants to give. Without a doubt, he'd be real tempted to change the past if he was given the opportunity to. But on the other hand, if he did that, he might never have met Kainé and Emil, Weiss, or any of the other people he'd met on his adventure for Sealed Verses and squaring off against the Shadow Lord.]

But you can do something in the here and the now. If you want something, go for it. Make it happen. It's not going to just be handed to you, so you have to create it for yourself.

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