songerein | [Semi-Open] Recovery is a Process

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[Semi-Open] Recovery is a Process

Who: Roxas and You!
Which: Semi-Open Log
Where: Roxas's Treehouse, around Town, the Wild Harvest
What: Roxas is recovering from becoming a wisp during the event
Warnings: Mentions of last month's event, but otherwise will tag specific CWs

Home Recovery [Closed to close CR]
[There were many who had fallen when the Story Eater had attacked, and unfortunately Roxas had been one of them. It had been a harrowing experience, being reduced to a wisp that had been overwhelmed by everything around him, and though he had eventually recovered his body his emotions still need some time to recover. So for the first week or so after the Story Eater has been officially sealed, Roxas spends most of his time recovering in his home. He can be found here often, just trying to get his strength back and rest. He has fought difficult battles against fierce opponents before, but this was something that had struck a bit too close to home for him. So he decides to stay home, recovering both his body and his heart.]

[While he doesn't really take many visitors during this time, he will accept drop-ins from those he knows. And as he starts to feel better, he'll try to venture out and pay a visit to his friends, knocking on their door and offering a small smile.]

Hey. I just wanted to see how you're doing.

WISP Anonymous
[Eventually, Roxas hears about the recovery program for those who had been transformed by the events that had occurred, and he decides to check it out. It's relieving to hear others have gone through what he has, and feels comfortable in the solidarity and support that's being offered. Though he's kind of bad at sitting still and meditating, he finds the yoga to be relaxing and a good way to stretch out his muscles. Come to think of it, it's been a while since he last sparred with someone... maybe he'll do that sometime soon.]

[Eventually, during a break in between meditation and yoga, Roxas will be taking a seat and drinking some water, watching one of the other classes. After a while, he'll turn to whoever he's sitting near.]

It's kinda nice that they're doing this for us. I thought it would be a little silly, but it's nice seeing everyone come together like this.

The Wild Harvest
[As the days progress, Roxas ventures out more and more, and eventually makes his way to the Wild Harvest. He can see the damage that the place has taken, but they're still offering some nice food for people who stop by. He will order some food as it's available, enjoying the bunny pancakes and flowing noodles. He'll observe the flowing noodle stand for a while, just marvelling in how it works.]

This is... normal? People really make noodles like this?

[He doesn't sound grossed out or insulting as he asks, but genuinely curious. He kind of wants to try some.]

E - Wildcard
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Yeah, I mean, I know we have hearts. Or at least part of hearts or whatever. I don't know. Ienzo explained it. I was only half listening. [ Well, he was actually completely listening, but he didn't really remember everything Ienzo said. Please don't ask any follow up questions. ]

And 'En wouldn't lie to me. [ Because he's a terrible liar. Clearly. Obviously. ] So I mean...I don't know. I don't think how I feel has ever mattered. [ Not to anyone, as far as he knows because he does have feelings. Big ones. He doesn't know what to do with them, nor does he share them typically, which is definitely not a recipe for disaster someday. ]

Just here. So it's not-it wasn't really him. Or was it? I don't know. I remember how tough he is. I almost didn't make it. [ He needed help, but he's only one guy. They all need help sometimes. ]

Outside of this place there's no way I would let him catch me like that. [ He's not stupid. ] If he knew what I was up to, he'd have killed me without asking any questions. I know that too. It's not like I like him, it's just... I never asked to be involved in any of this, you know?

[ Not that Roxas or anyone else did either, but to him, that's important. No one ever asks him anything - not how he feels, not what he wants - nothing. ]

I'm not really strong enough to take him, if he showed up again but...I don't want to be his puppet either. [ Despite complaining his feelings don't matter, he's still bleeding them palpably. ]

[Roxas gives Demyx a wry look.]

You should probably listen to Ienzo more. He's pretty smart. [Even if half the stuff he said Roxas didn't fully understand himself, but he figured Ienzo knew what he was talking. Bu the more Demyx speaks, the deeper his frown gets.]

I think how you feel matters a lot. Your heart is what makes you who you are... why wouldn't that matter? [It's just hard to hear, especially knowing how hard he and Xion had fought to be their own people.]

[But the more Demyx talks, the more Roxas feels he understands him a bit better. It's pretty clear how much this rattled the older blonde, and he can feel that desperation in his words. It's what makes Roxas nod slowly.]

He won't. I'll make sure of that. You don't have to be anyone's puppet anymore. [He pauses, before looking up at Demyx.] That's what friends do, right? They look out for each other.

[They might not be besties right now, but Roxas's opinion of Demyx has shifted since spending time with him. He's glad to call Demyx a friend now.]

Believe me, I know. It's just that sometimes 'En loses me and I don't wanna interrupt. [ Yes, he's more than willing to sit there and listen to Ienzo drone on about whatever he wants and it's not the least bit annoying. He doesn't feel compelled to understand though, he's fine being a captive audience.

He sighs and presses his hand to his chest absently. ]

Yeah, well...not much to say about something I don't have. What does that make me then?

[ It's a bit rhetorical. Xemnas would've said nothing, a Nobody, which as a classification Demyx is fine with - but it's the double meaning that Xemnas would apply that would piss him off. No matter what he did, no matter what he tried, whatever Demyx remembers or doesn't - he's still himself. He still has a personality, a vision, dreams...nothing Xemnas could do could take those away from him. ]

Yeah...but I know you can't promise that. It's not really realistic. [ He's glad to call Roxas a friend - but he also knows he can't let him or Sora save him. He's not upset no one did, in fact it made things very clear that he needed to participate. ]

I can't just leave it to you. I have to do it too...stand my ground. [ He groans. ] I just...don't really like conflict.

Why do you keep saying you don't?

[Roxas knows that Demyx had gone to help Xemnas and Xehanort again, that he was the Guardians' mole on the inside, but even so... he doesn't like the way Demyx keeps saying he doesn't have a heart. That was proven wrong a long time ago, wasn't it? Roxas knows better. He knows Demyx has his own heart, even if it's small and regrowing. He has to... all of them did. To think otherwise was to believe the lie Xemnas fed them to keep them in line.]

[He falls silent for a moment, listening to Demyx as he speaks. He wants to protest; after all, why wouldn't he promise that? Why wouldn't he want to protect his friends? But something tells him that it's more than that. Demyx... he has something to prove too, doesn't he? So after a brief pause, Roxas lets out a small sigh, before he speaks.]

You know... I never asked to be a hero, either. I didn't want to be a Keybearer, or do what others expected of me. But... just because I don't want to be a hero like Sora, doesn't mean I can't do what I can to help my friends, right?

[He doesn't want to be a hero, nor does he consider himself one. But he will use his power to fight and defend his friends.]

You can stand your own ground too, you know. Even if you don't get into fights. That's what you did to help me and Naminé, right?

Because I... [ Whatever he has growing in its place is small, and the more he spends time with people who are whole, the more he feels like it's missing. Everything is missing. He's as prone as anyone to falling into Xemnas' trap. ]

I don't know. Doesn't seem like it. [ At least, not to him. He's been thinking about things that he should just cast aside - but he can't. It's not so easy to just get rid of everything. Probably there's a whole host of things he should get through, but he doesn't want to think about. ]

That's a way to look at it I guess. I don't... [ He might've said before he didn't have friends, but that's not true anymore. He does have friends. He stood his ground because he didn't want them to get hurt. He just groans. ]

That's what I mean. [ He latches onto Roxas and Naminé. That's a better lie, one he can sell himself. ] I'm not a good guy for doing that. I was just pissed at Xemnas. It's not like I thought about sticking my neck out for the Light or anything. He just...really pissed me off. I'm still mad about it. [ That can't be healthy, but he has a million reasons to be mad at Xehanort. ]

It's stupid because I feel like he took things from me and then he just pushed me aside...which just made me more mad. I don't even like him. It's not like I wanted to do anything he wanted me to but at the same time- [ He's not nothing. ]

But how are you so sure?

[Demyx may claim there's no evidence that he has a heart, but Roxas is saying there's no evidence saying he doesn't. It could honestly go either way, by that logic. Maybe it's something Demyx has to do some soul-searching on... and maybe now isn't the best time. He's not exactly an expert on such matters the way Sora can be. Still, he doesn't want to just dismiss the possibility of Demyx having a heart; as far as he's concerned, the fact he feels things so strongly is proof enough.]

[Roxas shakes his head, a wry smile forming on his face. This feeling Demyx is describing? This is a feeling he's much more familiar with.]

You think I wasn't pissed at Xemnas too? Xemnas used me and held me up to some ridiculous expectation, only wanting me as a means to his end. Sure, me helping defeat him helped to save the worlds, but you think I wasn't also doing it for my own reasons?

[That was another difference between Roxas and Sora; while Sora wanted to help others out of the goodness of his heart, Roxas wasn't afraid of admitting he wanted to get back at those who hurt him. Not to say that he was vengeful, but there was a sense of peace in helping to defeat Xemnas for good.]

Xemnas took a lot from all of us. Honestly, I'd be surprised if you weren't angry.

[ He's not. He's not sure. Not at all. His information has pulled him in different directions and he's confused. He can't feel it, but then again, can anyone? ]

[ What Roxas says surprises him. His eyes go a little wide and then his brow furrows as he listens. He really hasn't given much thought to what Roxas felt about everything, or anyone else for that matter. He never felt like he knew them well enough. Observing people doesn't automatically give emotional insight. ]

I...never thought about it. [ Stunned honesty. He really hasn't, and this has been his entire defense, everything he could do to hold out that he's undecided and fence-sitting, but honestly, he's not. He's already decided - he just didn't know he did. Yes, there's some comfort knowing Xemnas and Xehanort can't just pop up and get him, at home at least, but isn't that peace of mind self-serving? He would consider Roxas having thrown his lot in with the good, the light, and to hear that they essentially did the same thing....it's a lot. ]

Yeah, I'm pissed. I'd be more pissed about it, but I can't remember anything and I'm pretty sure that's his doing too. A couple of fragments doesn't tell me anything about who I'm supposed to be. [ He does look grim admitting this. ] I don't know my name, I don't know where I came from. I don't...know anything. He did that.

[ But...but. What does all of this mean, in the end? ] With all of that and everything I did, can anyone really believe I did something good? [ Come on, they can't right? He believes that. He believes he doesn't have a place, or a future, and Ienzo, bless him, has been trying to convince him of otherwise. Ienzo's biased though. They're friends, Demyx trusts him, they worked together on this. No one else will see it the same way, right? ]

Well, it's true. I may have wanted to stop him, but I was also angry.

[So, very angry. If it weren't for Sora sustaining him while he was in Sora's heart, maybe he could have persisted on his very anger alone. He was angry, and yet still regarded as a hero. What made Demyx's situation any different?]

Well... remember when I first joined the Organization? [Roxas offers Demyx a rueful expression, gesturing with one hand.] I didn't have any memories either. No idea of who I was or where I came from... my first memories were from waking up and being found by Xemnas. And then, when I was in the fake Twilight Town, I still lost my memories again, and was given fake ones to hide the truth of who I was. Even when I got my memories from Sora, they didn't feel like my memories.

[So, in a way, he knows exactly what Demyx is going through in terms of not knowing who he was or if he could be good.]

I think... that maybe, if you can't remember who you were... you can focus on who you are. Do things for yourself, not because of who people expect you to be. And if you do something good, without anyone telling you to, and people are grateful for it... doesn't that make you good, no matter who you once might have been?

[ It's funny how much spite and anger can motivate a person, and despite Demyx's easygoing nature most of the time, he's not immune to that. Like water itself, calm until the storm rages and then volatile and destructive. In this case it was a targeted, deliberate undermining of Xehanort and all of his bullshit. He'd wanted him to lose, even if it was just so he could be left alone. Personal motivations didn't mean he didn't have potential? ]

Yeah. I know. [ He does remember that. He remembers his time in the Organization, and not much else. He tilts his head a little bit. ] If you ask me the whole becoming a Nobody process messes with you anyway, but I know like Ienzo and Axel remembered other stuff that I...just don't. [ He wants to. He doesn't want to. He doesn't know which is better. ]

I never did remember that much. Just the barest of glimpses. Playing sitar...obviously. [ A small smile, he's not devoid of humour. ] An open square and music... I don't know. Nothing really concrete. I think I remembered a bit more before, but since coming back I lost more of it. So when he talked about our pasts, I had no idea what he was on about. I sure as hell don't remember that. He said that I have a connection to the ancient keyblade wielders. Me? [ He laughs. ] Kinda weird, right?

[ Is it though? He doesn't know. He's finding he does have talents beyond his musicality. His immense magical potential is paying dividends when he puts effort into it. There's more to him than he probably knows, and that pisses him off too. He actually should maybe float this information to Ienzo, but he hasn't. It hasn't come up. ]

I don't know. I don't feel guilt for my involvement. I don't feel like I have to atone, like Vexy does. I feel more like I was dragged into it and didn't have that much of a choice. Not like he really asked my opinion or anything. [ And they both know what happens to traitors. ] I'm responsible for what I did, I still did it, but I guess I felt stuck. [ That probably doesn't make sense. ]

[ He sighs, he leans against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. ] I think Sora's only forgiven me because of my involvement with you and Naminé. [ And no, he has not told her anything either. ]

[Roxas offers Demyx a smile of sympathy; he can understand Demyx, really. Everyone having memories while you don't? He knows that feeling well. Though it sounds like Demyx remembers SOME things, and in a way, he's not surprised; performing in an open square really does seem like something Demyx would do. Though, hearing about a connection to the ancient Keyblade Wielders has Roxas perking up.]

Really? [At first he's on Demyx's side; it sure does sound weird! But he's seen his fair share of weird things already. And it could be Xemnas trying to mess with Demyx, but who knew for sure? So after his shock wears off, Roxas shakes his head.] I dunno... I mean, sure it sounds weird, but who's to say it's not true?

[Still, Demyx being dragged into things makes a lot of sense. Sitting on the couch as he is, Roxas reaches for one of the pillows so he can lean on it more comfortably.]

We all did bad things in the Organization, thinking about it. But I mean... I think that can be the same for all of us. Some got to play bigger parts, but we were all dragged into things without much of a choice. I mean, Xion and I didn't ask to be connected to Sora, and we didn't ask to get Keyblades. It just... sort of happened. [He looks up at Demyx, offering a wry smirk.] We were all kinda stuck, huh?

[Does Demyx see the pattern? They were all dealing with their own things, but in the end, they all suffered equally. So why did Demyx's suffering mean less than his own, or Xion's? Or Naminé's?]

Well, that's a step forward. Sora isn't really the kind to hold grudges, especially if the person who made him angry wants to apologize. He might be angry for a while, but I told you he'd come around.

That's what he said. Not just me. Luxord, Marly and Larxene too. I'm not sure what to make of that though. I don't know if it's true. He said exactly a connection was slumbering inside of us. [ Xemnas could've been talking out of his ass, or there could be something to it, but it's hard for Demyx to really know. ] Yeah, but could you imagine me with a keyblade? [ He laughs, yeah right. ]

Yeah, I'd say I felt stuck. Now I don't know what to do. I don't want to die...I know that's the fastest way to get back to being myself but it hurts! [ He didn't care if it made him sound like a wuss. ]

He wasn't mad, I don't think. He apologized and stuff. Ugh. As long as he never does that again, we'll be fine.

A connection...

[Roxas ponders on this thought for a moment. Sure, it could have been Xemnas just spouting nonsense, but... now he's wondering. Maybe he might ask Riku or Sora about it later... As for Demyx's question, he offers a shrug.]

Well, I mean, if Axel could get a Keyblade, why can't you? [Maybe it would look like his sitar, like Axel's looks like his chakrams.]

Well... maybe you don't have to do that. Maybe you just... have to accept being you, who you are now. Not who you were before, and not who you were in the Organization. You as you are now, who you want to be.

[Hearing that Sora had apologized makes Roxas smile a bit.] It's a start, though. And, well... he's not as bad as I used to think. Maybe you'll be able to get along with him now.

Well, I mean...it's like.. [ He waves his hand a little bit. ] Seems pretty much like a fantasy. I mean I'm not really hero material.

[ See? He might be self-serving and okay with that, but still that doesn't make him heroic right? And weren't they all heroic? ]

I...guess. It's not like I can remember what I'm missing. So I'm kinda just me right now. I'm pretty fine with it. I don't know what I want to be. [ Of course he doesn't. Escape is the best he could manage. After that it's so open ended... ]

Yeah, he seems fine. Really. I never had a problem with him. I just got it that he didn't like me. At least I didn't think so, but he seems...like he cares, I guess.

[Demyx's comment actually makes him scoff a little, albeit in a good-humoured way.]

Do you think I'm hero material? Or Axel? Or Xehanort? And yet we still have Keyblades, don't we? [He shakes his head.] I don't think it matters if you're a hero or not; just if your heart's strong enough to wield one. So... why wouldn't you?

[Sorry, Dem, he's kind of pointing out the holes in your argument here.]

I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe you just... need to figure out what you want to be. Figure out who you are, as you are, right now. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[Demyx's words make Roxas laugh a bit.] Have you met Sora? Caring is what he does. He cares about everyone. It's really hard to get on his bad side for good, you know. But I'm glad for you; hopefully this means you'll be able to relax more here.

I mean...I guess, but I'm not sure that it is. [ He doesn't really know. It's way more complex and metaphysical than he can process easily and it's the kind of thing that he will either be able to do it or he won't someday and he'll just have to roll with it. ]

[A little sigh, but he's been thinking.] Yeah. I guess. I've been thinking about a few things but I'm not sure that would help me when I wake up. [If? Or maybe it actually would.]

I don't feel very relaxed right now but uh, yeah, maybe. [ Old habits die hard. ]

Well, I mean... if you ever wanted to learn, we do have a couple of masters here.

[Roxas has no idea if that would even work, but well... maybe it could help? Both Ira and Riku were masters, maybe they could help Demyx if he asked.]

It's hard to say while we're here. But I remember the last time we went to a weird world. Maybe you might remember some things when you wake up.

[That little admission just makes Roxas frown deeper.]

Well... if you ever need help relaxing, you can always ask to hang out with me, or someone else. We've been here long enough, I hope it's become clear that none of us really wanna go after you. You didn't do anything wrong.

[ Learn to... ] Rox, I don't have a keyblade. [ He's mostly, very sure about this. Like, he'd know, right? ]

Maybe. I've just been playing with magic. [ Playing, he says, when really he's coming up with a work around that works for him. There's no way he could sit down and bore himself with books to understand concepts. It's just not how he operates. It's working too - at least, it is for him. ]

Yeah, no, I got that much. [ He's not that worried about any of them. Not even Vanitas, after what happened on the battlefield. It's strange to think about. ]

I don't think you're going to come after me. [ Demyx can confirm that, but the offer makes him smile. ] I mean...sure. That'd be good, I guess. [ It would probably be good for him, too, and it would make Ienzo happy. ]

I know. But like I said if Axel can learn to use one, I'm sure you could, too. You won't know unless you try, right?

[But again, that's up for Demyx to choose if he wants. He won't blame Demyx for not wanting to be a Keyblade wielder; there's a lot of trouble that seems to go with it.]

[Still, he's glad the offer is being accepted, and Roxas grins.]

Cool. We could always hang out, or I could teach you how to play Struggle... or even how to skateboard. Did I show you my board? I got it from the wishing well.

[ For one thing, Axel's heart is intact and his isn't. His is barely growing back, but it's possible. He seems to be thinking it over. ] I'll think about it. [ He decides eventually, because he really does need to consider if it's the kind of thing he wants to know. Part of him wonders if it would help him connect to his past, if it's truly his fate... then...? He doesn't know if he's ready to explore that. ]

Sure. Mostly I've just hung out with Ienzo and Isabela. [ He's actually spent a good amount of time with her over the months. ]

Uhh, I don't know how to do either of those things. [ So Roxas can in fact teach him. ] No, I haven't seen it. I haven't ever gone to the wishing well.

[Thinking about it is all Roxas can ask for. It's still Demyx's decision, and he will respect that. So long as Demyx knows that he's free to make his own decisions, that's all Roxas can ask for.]

[But he does brighten a bit at Demyx's words.]

I can show you! Skateboarding's a little hard, but it's a lot of fun. And I don't have a Struggle set with me, but we used to have tournaments all the time in Twilight Town. It's real great! I'll try to ask for a Struggle set sometime, so that I can show you how to play.

[It's kind of funny, how eager Roxas speaks of his hobbies. Almost like the teen he's supposed to be but never got to be.]

[ It's nice, it's probably not unlike how Demyx talks about his music. Heartless or not, he's always been an enthusiastic musical nerd. He might not be book smart, but there's likely few people who knew as much about it as he did. ]

What is Struggle? [ That seems like the most reasonable question. ]

I didn't know you did tournaments and stuff. It must be like a sport right?

Yeah. It's a sport we would play in Twilight Town. You have to use these foam bats to knock orbs off your opponent, and whoever has the most orbs wins. It's a lot of fun!

[He grins happily.]

Wanna play sometime?

Uhhhh, I don't promise I'll be good at it, but yeah, sure. [ It sounds relatively harmless. Could be fun right? He's not that competitive... In all honesty, despite the fact he complained about being uncomfortable, he certainly looks like some of the tension has left his body. Talking with Roxas has helped, a lot. ]

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[Semi-Open] Recovery is a Process

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