songerein | I think that it's best if we both stay

Entry tags:

I think that it's best if we both stay

Who: Bunta Marui & Leia Rolando
Which: Log; closed
Where: Woods near residential.
What: December events: gumdrop, arguments, and competitive snowball fights.
Warnings: None, but will update if necessary!

[At some point she slipped into this quiet acceptance of their situation. What was supposed to be a few days of Marui crashing at her place until he found a house has somehow ended up with them now living together for an entire month. And she doesn't feel particularly inclined to upend the status quo. Though that doesn't make the situation any easier on her emotions. She is, sadly, used to pining for someone and keeping her true feelings to herself. It's a complicated situation, one that might cost her a great deal were she to ever find the courage to confess, and those thoughts are enough to keep her mouth shut.

If she had an inkling he felt anyway special towards her, she's somehow dismissed it with some excuse, or assumed she's reading too much into it. Marui is... sweet. And he's always surprising her with little gifts and sweets, only some of which she's asked for and most of which she's only briefly mentioned and he somehow took it upon himself to get for her. But she also does the same for him, as well as using other means to gauge his interest. Like wearing cute PJs around the house, with one in particular being a little revealing. But all that she's gotten from him were a few cracks and cheeky comments which have only proven her suspicions. That his actions could be reactions to both her gestures and him staying with her- like tokens of appreciation.

Admittedly, it's hard to decipher his actions when her own mind is a fierce storm of emotions. Were she to confess to him, she will be forfeiting any feelings she could potentially have for Jude. Which is something that still worries her, as if accepting that Jude's role in her life is more familial and platonic somehow diminishes his importance to her. She just never expected to fall for anyone else. More troubling is whether or not Marui would accept the complicated role that Jude plays in her life, if not then she would lose Marui entirely, and she's left with one-sided feelings that she'd have to eventually bury and move on from.

She jokes that she's trained herself long and hard in the art of unrequited love to be able to handle this, but the thought saddens her a little. Still, it's not enough to keep her down. If anything she's appeared entirely like her normal self around everyone. Marui's a fun roommate, even if he's occasionally obnoxious, and she enjoys his company. And that's all she can really ask for. More than anything, she doesn't want to lose that by forcing something that may not even be there.

Obvious complications aside, everything else is just fine.

All of it seems habitual now, no matter how they spend their day and what isn't said, they continue their now very domesticated lifestyle. The house is still somewhat bare, and with all the new shops opening up, and the seasonal chill in the air, it felt like an opportune time to go looking for some crystal powered appliances, clothes, and whatever else they could find for the house while enjoying the wintry scene outside. It's also the type of weather one could curl up together with someone. Even as they walk along the streets of the market she has fought the urge more than once to reach for his hand. Thankfully he's none the wiser else she'd probably never hear the end of his teasing.

It doesn't take long to pick up any last minute items they might have missed, cute decorations and the like, before they soon start heading back home with their modest haul. Between what they have now and dreamotion, there's almost a sense of convenience and normalcy returning to her life and for the first time since she arrived she's starting to actually feel a sense of belonging. Like this is a second home.

Is it okay to feel this way?

Suddenly she feels some icy water slip into her boot and she stops, wincing at the discomfort the sharp chill brings, and halting the bit of small talk they had going.]

Hold up a sec, I have to fix my shoe.

[Setting everything down, she kneels and notices her shoelace is completely untied, so she takes a moment to tie it and make sure it's secure, not really paying too much attention to her surroundings. When she's finished, she straightens up and looks around... noticing a certain someone is gone.]

Hm? Marui?

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[Her heart sinks when she sees him back away from her. It's like a punch to the gut. Seconds ago, he was so happy, and all it takes are a few vague words to unravel it.

Already she doesn't have a good feeling.

She gets it. She really does. But this isn't any easier on her. And he's not the only one whose feelings are at stake. Straightening up, she looks at him sternly, having made up her mind.]

Look, whatever I have to say doesn't change how I feel about you, okay? But this is important, and I'd really appreciate it if we could go home first before I explain--

[Stern as she tries to be, wanting to properly convey how serious her feelings are for him, it doesn't last long before the chill properly settles into her bones, and she sneezes.]

Ugh. Also, I'm freezing, and the ice has thoroughly soaked through every layer now...

Edited 2021-12-15 06:13 (UTC)

[ It's not meant as a withdrawal from her. Leia verbally threw on the brakes and Marui listened. He's doing the best he can after what feels like the proverbial rug being yanked out from under him. And it's a little frustrating! This isn't supposed to be hard. If two people know how they feel and know they want to date, then they do. Simple.

Why is it not simple for Leia?

Whatever the reason, it's certainly an explanation that will be waiting until later. With all the heat she was giving off a minute ago when her fist connected with his jaw, Marui didn't have any concept just how little she was left with. His eyes widen. ]

What're you standing here for, then? Get home already! Run ahead, I'll get the bags.

[ If he sounds grouchy, it's from a place of concern. He turns and starts over towards their shopping haul. ]

[It pains her, and she wishes she could tell him that whatever she has to say doesn't change anything. But it's really up to him on how he handles what she's going to say.

The welcomed stall in the conversation will give her a chance to better collect her thoughts however, despite the bitter chill. But it still doesn't feel right to abandon him with all their stuff.]

I'm not gonna just leave you here to carry all this by yourself. I'll take a couple, so let's go. I'm sure you're not much better off.

[Because he also got drenched, worse than her, actually. Stubbornly, she goes to grab a couple of bags, waiting for him so they can quickly escape the cold together.]

[ He is cold and wet, but the combination of all that's been happening and a naturally high metabolism even before cold exposure has the fact more of a peripheral discomfort than an overriding concern-- for now, at least. Still, he appreciates the spirit of teamwork. ]

I'm okay if we keep moving. All right, I've got these.

[ Marui scoops up what Leia doesn't grab and makes for home with her. ]

[She nods slowly and falls in pace, walking beside him.

If she didn't have to say what she needs to, this would've been the ideal time to reach for his hand. Something she had to stop herself from doing earlier when they were shopping. And it weighs heavily on her to know they had gone from relieved and happy, to awkward and guarded. Uncertainty looming over them like a dark cloud. It's not how she wanted things to go, it's not how she wanted her first confession to go at all, but it can't be helped. All she can do is hope that she's overthinking this.

But it's difficult to get that impression.

The only saving grace is that home is a short distance away, just a few minutes of walking and she can spill everything that's been on her mind.

And this will either end poorly, leaving her full of regret, or everything will be just fine. Though, she wonders, would it have been better to just say nothing at all? But the guilt would've eaten her alive and it just felt wrong to not be honest with him about this. It's also very likely that had she chosen to stay quiet that something might have come up later, then it would look terrible that she never spoke up.

For a short trek it sure feels like an eternity though. She tries to keep her head clear, think about what to say. Meanwhile her heart is beating fast, her throat hurts, and yet none of that alleviates the chill that's settled into her bones. She shivers occasionally, using her free hand to rub at her arm to attempt to generate heat. All the while the crunch of the snow beneath her boots feels unusually loud.]

[ Marui's hands are full carrying bags, so he can't really help with any warming-up gestures, but it doesn't escape his notice how she occasionally shivers. Cold can settle in fast; even he is starting to feel it now. It's a good thing home is close. ]

Holding up okay?

[Awkward as things may be for the time being, she does appreciate him noticing. It's probably one of the things she likes most about him. He's genuinely concerned, and somehow manages to go about it without seeming like a parent would towards a child.]

Y-Yeah... What about you?

The hot chocolate waiting for us is gonna be amazing. [ He says with a grin. Yeah, he's cold, too, but he'll be all right. ]

Wanna take a bath once we're back? If you're soaked through, that'll be the best way to warm up.

[At least he's trying to keep upbeat. She can appreciate that, truly. Inwardly, she's a mess though. And where as she's usually the one in his position, it's hard to imagine the aftermath to a conversation that she honestly can't tell the outcome of...

Her stomach is in knots, her heart aches, and she tries to tell herself this really is nothing to worry about.

But she does offer a small smile. The hot chocolate and hot bath sounding far nicer than she feels she deserves at the moment.]

Just being inside will be fine for now. I have a lot to say first, and I don't want to drag it out any longer.

[And she imagines he doesn't want it dragged out either.]

[ If what Leia most wants is to talk about whatever this is, then that's what they'll do. Marui's biggest priority is simply her comfort. If the cold were the thing most bothering her, waiting another hour for her to soak in a tub and change into warm clothes wasn't that big of a deal. He's waited this long already just to know she likes him, too.

From the sound of it though, the cold isn't what's most bothering her-- at least, not beyond what can be alleviated by going inside. Is this weighing that heavily on her? ]

Okay. We'll sit down with some cocoa, and you tell me everything you wanna share.

[Just knowing that Marui could easily misunderstand her relationship with Jude and this could all end before it even starts is nerve-wracking. But she's doing her best to keep it together. It's a weird storm of emotions in her- she wants to be happy that Marui feels the same way about her, but she can't stop thinking about Jude.]

Thanks. I know this is crappy timing dumping this on you so suddenly.

I don't mind. [ He means that. The only timing he really cared about was in a tennis match. As he sees their house come into view from cresting a hill, he starts off into a sprint. ]

Heh. Race you to the door!

H-Hey!

[Grumbling, she takes off right after him.]

No fair, you barely gave me any warning!

[And she's already hot on his heels. He's lucky she's carrying these bags, though, else she'd tackle him to the ground for that late warning.]

Blame it on your slowed reflexes!

[ Yeah sorry no regrets here. This is just what they need as far as he's concerned. He dashes for the front door with a big grin. The added difficulty from trying to run on snow just makes it more fun. ]

They're slowed because I'm cold, you jerk!

[She shouts after him, quickly catching up regardless of the late warning. But still not ahead.]

Better be faster!

[ At any rate, it should make for a nice distraction from the cold and get them inside that much sooner, so win-win? He hops up the steps and slaps the front door first in a display of his victory, however pyrrhic it may soon prove to be. ]

[She playfully nudges him, continuing to resist the urge for a full body tackle.]

I'm demanding a rematch later.

[The distraction worked as intended, but beyond that door, she knows it's going to be a lot more difficult. Still, despite knowing that, maybe she really can trust Marui to understand...]

[ Looks like he got off easy. Marui grins and opens the door, guiding her inside first with a hand at her back. ]

Try and beat me anytime.

[ The warmth of the interior is a welcomed relief. Marui sets his bags down inside the door to be dealt with later. ]

5 minutes to change and make hot cocoa. Then I'm ready. All right with that?

Yeah, that's fine.

[Even though she's been composing it in her head for a while now, she still doesn't know what to say.]

[ Once he's in a dry set of clothes, Marui makes two mugs of steaming hot chocolate and carries them to the sitting area, passing one to Leia and settling on the couch. It's her subject, so Marui simply looks at her to indicate he's ready and listening whenever and however she wants to start. ]

Thanks...

[She takes the hot mug and holds it in her hands, letting them warm up first, while staring down at the drink as if it might reveal some answer that'll make this easier. No such luck, though. So after a minute she just starts talking, hoping the words will come to her because thinking about how to start is getting her nowhere.]

Y'know, I went over this in my head at least a thousand times and I still really don't... know where to start. When I said I needed to tell you something, it's actually been on my mind since last month. [surely he can connect the dots with all the mixed signals now.] I couldn't tell you sooner because I was never sure how you felt. And there was no point in telling you at all if you didn't actually like me in that way.

[Sparing him a glance, she looks at him apologetically before resigning to what she's about to admit. She's only ever admitted it to Rowen. Alvin had it figured out without a word from her. But even Elize and Elle seem to have picked up on how she felt about Jude. But actively admitting and talking about it to someone that might not have caught the hints (the problem likely being there have been none to catch) is making this harder than it should be.]

It's... about Jude. So I just need you to listen and let me explain before you say anything, okay?

Edited 2021-12-19 22:10 (UTC)

[ Leia can hopefully appreciate what it sure sounds like she's about to say with the pieces she's laid out so far. Marui can think of exactly two reasons that Jude would be relevant to a conversation about Leia having a relationship with another person: either Jude exerts (or thinks he's entitled to exert) some authority over Leia in that aspect of her life, or Jude's and Leia's relationship has some romantic component to it that isn't going anywhere and Marui are you prepared to take that on as part of the package?

But he heeds her request and doesn't voice any preemptive speculations. ]

...Okay. What about him?

Edited 2021-12-19 22:34 (UTC)

[It could've had a better segue than it sounding the way it did, sure. But at this point she's trying to gather her thoughts and nothing really sounds right to her. Words are refusing to gather in her thoughts, so she just lets them come out however they are. Things can't be perfect.

Now this? This is the hard part. It's also the part where the knots in her stomach tighten, and she can feel the anxiety kick in- her racing heart, the lightheadedness, the ever growing lump in her throat. Funny, for someone with so much confidence in herself and her words, that she falters now. But that's the fear of loss taking over. The possibility that Marui isn't going to like what she has to say, or how she says it. And what guy would? But if no guy would want her with this stipulation, then perhaps that's... just how it has to be. She'd focus on her career and simply be amazing at it.

She breaks eye contact with Marui for a moment, looking back down at her drink, feeling the swell of emotions hit her. Admitting this is tough. Saying it out loud is tough. And she feels a pang of regret and a sting in her eyes, but she's come this far. Taking a deep breath, she looks up at Marui and starts.]

Remember when I told you that I had to undergo serious physical therapy as a kid to be able to walk again? It was Jude that helped me through it. And that was... That was when I started developing feelings for him. So I... used to like him, you see. It never worked out though, he fell for someone else a few years ago and I sorta made peace with the fact that the most I could ever do is to be there for him, and make sure he's happy. Jude... really means a lot to me, and he's done so much for me that being there for him is the least I can do. If he's ever in trouble, or needs help, I would drop everything to do whatever I can for him. That's what I need you to understand. That just because my feelings for him have shifted, it doesn't make him any less important to me. I guess... you could say that he's become more like family to me.

[It's an assessment of their relationship that's been a long time coming. Jude only ever saw her as such, and it's only recently that she's started to accept it. Like around when Milla came into their lives.

Her hands tightly grasp the mug, urging herself to finish. She swallows, or tries her best to with that pesky lump in her throat.]

... I, I know a lot of guys might have a problem with that, because he's my former crush. But I wanted to be completely honest with you so that you trust me. And... if you're not okay with this, and would rather be friends, then I understand.

[Understand, but be thoroughly heartbroken. Which she leaves unsaid.]

[ It turns out it's the latter possibility that's closer to the mark. But it sure is confusing why there's a confession to be made here if the crush is truly done with. Is there something he's missing here? She's made such a big deal of this and now that he's heard it, he's not sure what that big deal was. It's a little disorienting.

He meets her eyes with a perplexed and somewhat amused grin. ]

Isn't that just normal, to care about more people than your partner? You don't still like him that way, right.

[ He's pretty sure she heard him say she didn't, but honestly, how else could this be a problem? ]

Edited 2021-12-19 23:41 (UTC)

[Now she's confused by the look on his face.]

No. But I know some people think that hanging around your former crush might rekindle feelings or whatever, so they try to prevent it.

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