songerein | I think that it's best if we both stay

Entry tags:

I think that it's best if we both stay

Who: Bunta Marui & Leia Rolando
Which: Log; closed
Where: Woods near residential.
What: December events: gumdrop, arguments, and competitive snowball fights.
Warnings: None, but will update if necessary!

[At some point she slipped into this quiet acceptance of their situation. What was supposed to be a few days of Marui crashing at her place until he found a house has somehow ended up with them now living together for an entire month. And she doesn't feel particularly inclined to upend the status quo. Though that doesn't make the situation any easier on her emotions. She is, sadly, used to pining for someone and keeping her true feelings to herself. It's a complicated situation, one that might cost her a great deal were she to ever find the courage to confess, and those thoughts are enough to keep her mouth shut.

If she had an inkling he felt anyway special towards her, she's somehow dismissed it with some excuse, or assumed she's reading too much into it. Marui is... sweet. And he's always surprising her with little gifts and sweets, only some of which she's asked for and most of which she's only briefly mentioned and he somehow took it upon himself to get for her. But she also does the same for him, as well as using other means to gauge his interest. Like wearing cute PJs around the house, with one in particular being a little revealing. But all that she's gotten from him were a few cracks and cheeky comments which have only proven her suspicions. That his actions could be reactions to both her gestures and him staying with her- like tokens of appreciation.

Admittedly, it's hard to decipher his actions when her own mind is a fierce storm of emotions. Were she to confess to him, she will be forfeiting any feelings she could potentially have for Jude. Which is something that still worries her, as if accepting that Jude's role in her life is more familial and platonic somehow diminishes his importance to her. She just never expected to fall for anyone else. More troubling is whether or not Marui would accept the complicated role that Jude plays in her life, if not then she would lose Marui entirely, and she's left with one-sided feelings that she'd have to eventually bury and move on from.

She jokes that she's trained herself long and hard in the art of unrequited love to be able to handle this, but the thought saddens her a little. Still, it's not enough to keep her down. If anything she's appeared entirely like her normal self around everyone. Marui's a fun roommate, even if he's occasionally obnoxious, and she enjoys his company. And that's all she can really ask for. More than anything, she doesn't want to lose that by forcing something that may not even be there.

Obvious complications aside, everything else is just fine.

All of it seems habitual now, no matter how they spend their day and what isn't said, they continue their now very domesticated lifestyle. The house is still somewhat bare, and with all the new shops opening up, and the seasonal chill in the air, it felt like an opportune time to go looking for some crystal powered appliances, clothes, and whatever else they could find for the house while enjoying the wintry scene outside. It's also the type of weather one could curl up together with someone. Even as they walk along the streets of the market she has fought the urge more than once to reach for his hand. Thankfully he's none the wiser else she'd probably never hear the end of his teasing.

It doesn't take long to pick up any last minute items they might have missed, cute decorations and the like, before they soon start heading back home with their modest haul. Between what they have now and dreamotion, there's almost a sense of convenience and normalcy returning to her life and for the first time since she arrived she's starting to actually feel a sense of belonging. Like this is a second home.

Is it okay to feel this way?

Suddenly she feels some icy water slip into her boot and she stops, wincing at the discomfort the sharp chill brings, and halting the bit of small talk they had going.]

Hold up a sec, I have to fix my shoe.

[Setting everything down, she kneels and notices her shoelace is completely untied, so she takes a moment to tie it and make sure it's secure, not really paying too much attention to her surroundings. When she's finished, she straightens up and looks around... noticing a certain someone is gone.]

Hm? Marui?

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[The second her fist connects with his jaw it's like a big rush of energy is released- heat swells and bursts, and a nearby branch falls to the ground, unbearably loud as the silence between them quickly settles in. It stops Leia in her tracks, staring wide-eyed at the reddening mark on his jaw, the heat she generated certainly a key factor in making that worse.

At some point, the slug, fully appeased, disperses, leaving behind a faint red glow before fading away completely.

But she doesn't even notice its exit, in fact, she can't even recall the last time she heard it chanting. Her gaze is fixed on Marui, whose stumbled back from the sheer force of her swing and is now just...

Standing there. Unmoving.

Just like that, the frustration completely fades, but it's quickly replaced by sinking guilt. She... hadn't meant to throw so hard of a punch. She hadn't meant to act on her frustrations- or even have them to begin with. Yet, here she is, the damage is done, and at what cost? Even if he practically asked for it, goaded her- in a clearer mind set, and had she actually stopped to think, she'd have noticed he might have been intentionally baiting her.

But she never stops and thinks, she took the bait and reacted. She really blew it. Totally, and utterly blew it.

Maybe he doesn't want her near him now. Hell, he's probably pissed. And it's that thought that keeps her locked in place, afraid that she's just ruined everything. The fact is, though, she hurt him, and after a moment's hesitation, she's approaching him, clearly concerned.]

Crap! I, I'm so sorry! I wasn't trying to hit that hard--

[She looks around for something, then looks down, and stoops to grab a small clump of snow with her bare hands.]

H-Here... [gently, she places her left hand on his good cheek, to keep his head in place as she carefully places the bit of snow with her other hand on his injured jaw- practically cupping his face.] This should help.

[ It takes him a bit off-guard when she stops instead of following through and getting a cleaner punch in. That was the whole point of stopping, after all. If she didn't want him to talk and dodge at the same time, he'd cut out the distraction.

Well, whatever that tension was, it's gone now (along with the slug), so success? Except he still doesn't have any answers.

What he has is Leia standing a short distance away looking far more upset about what she just did than she ought to. He was aiming for this from the moment he asked if she was running away. Even without the goading, she doesn't need to be making such a big deal of it. No insult to her strength, but it really doesn't hurt that much. That's less to do with her power and more to do with Marui's basis for comparison, namely Sanada. Hitting was a commonplace occurrence at Rikkaidai's tennis club. It's kind of cute how she fusses and frets about it like she's done any kind of lasting damage, physical or otherwise. It takes more than that to get rid of him. He was still a Regular, after all.

The snow stings his face, but he lets her hold it there. It's ironic, and a little frustrating, how she's allowed to touch him so intimately like this but he can't be affectionate back. Like the hand-warming a few minutes ago. That's not necessary, indirect for Please stop. Why does she act like this, hot and cold like the set of palms clasping his jawline? ]

I wish you'd make up your mind... What do you really think of me?

[She's stepped closer now- very close, her other hand gently cooling his cheek with snow, the other cradling him. It hasn't dawned on her until now how intimate the act could be perceived.

... Or how she might subconsciously mean for it to be that way.

Marui looks like a wounded animal in some ways, like her touch is something he both wants and doesn't. But she holds him like this anyway, not quite realizing just how close their faces are. Easy enough to achieve, he's not much taller than she is, but it feels like all that heat she was generating earlier from her punches has somehow settled between them. Her chest tightens, and her heart races a little. She can hear the thrumming in her ears.

Eyes full of concern and a hint of... something deeper, she tries to read his expression, getting lost enough that she can barely make sense of what he asks.]

Make... up my mind? What do you mean?

[To her, it doesn't make sense. They're friends... aren't they? Did he think that because she got mad, because she punched him, they weren't?]

[ And she wonders why he said she was the one who was dense. How much more explicit does he need to be? ]

What do I mean? When someone asks what you think of them, there's only one answer to that...!

[ At least, where he's from there is.

He has to consciously resist the compulsion to mimic her gesture. He's certain if he did that she would back away again. ]

[Funny thing about that is that the clump of snow has already melted, and she's still cupping his face. Like she hasn't realized. Partially because she doesn't want to let him go, to take in this moment a bit longer.

And partially because she's internally wrestling with the question he asks which only serves to break this illusion.]

I...

[It's an unfair question. After he's dodged all of hers, why is she now somehow forced to answer his? He's given her no hint of anything to go on today, he was all too eager to pretend to be affectionate for that slug...

She lowers her eyes.

What about how he feels? What about Jude? Is Marui going to understand? Is she okay with acknowledging that she's fallen for Marui, leaving Jude behind? Will it change things between her and Jude somehow?

The tightness in her chest quickly turns to pain.

Dejected, she slowly lets her hands fall from his face.]

I could ask you the same thing.

[ The fact he's asking in the first place doesn't say enough?

Her hands fall away and she just seems to shrink in on herself, avoiding his gaze and everything else. And that hurts to see on multiple levels. ]

Please look at me.

[That's a word that cuts right through her. And it's not just him saying 'please,' it's everything about that sentence.

She's afraid the very second she looks at him, that the answer to his question will be written plain across her face. Then what? If there's one thing she's learned about Marui it's that he's not needlessly cruel. Even if he doesn't feel the same way, it's not like he'd laugh at her or make a big scene rejecting her.

It's just... she really doesn't know how to bare her heart like that. She loved Jude for over half her life and never once had the guts to allude to that outside of small, affectionate gifts, gestures, and rough-housing. That Marui even asks should suggest there's more there than what she thinks or has interpreted, and yet the pain of rejection rests deep.

But at his behest, she eventually traces her gaze back to his, wavering under his. She's clearly wrestling with something.

Inwardly, she curses at herself.]

[ The tension in the air is back, but it's different now. Instead of friction, it's something almost like fear. And honestly, he's tired of it. He's tired of not knowing where they stand, or how she feels, or if she'd say yes or no.

She looks so much like she might want to, but he doesn't dare. ]

I...

[ Cripes, this should not be difficult, people did this all the time. Of course, they usually aren't living together as friends... ]

I wanna know how you see me. Am I... just a friend to you? That's fine but... if that's all you want, try and stop acting like you wanna be more! I... really like you. It's painful that you keep treating me like you wanna be flirted with and then you back off or shoot me down.

Edited 2021-12-11 09:30 (UTC)

[That wariness in her gaze suddenly turns to shock, and she can barely process everything he's saying. Like she's trapped in some void- there's no sound in the surrounding woods, the scenery becomes a complete blur. The only thing she can hear is her heart, and it is soundly beating in her throat now. That might be why she suddenly finds herself unable to swallow, and her mouth is parched.

She's being confessed to... and it doesn't feel real. At all. She can hear the words, she can see his mouth moving, but it doesn't seem real. Like this is some sort of dream, and she's just gotten to the good part and is starting to wake up. She's sure she's opened her mouth a couple of times before he's finished, but nothing, absolutely nothing, is coming out. Though she desperately wants it to. Just like she wants him to stop looking so troubled, wants to tell him it's okay, that she likes him, too. But even her lungs feel robbed of air- when was the last time she has taken a breath?

Instead, she stands there with what she can only imagine is the most dumbfounded expression on her face complete with fully red cheeks and ears and... yeah, that feels like a dizzy spell setting in.

And so, there's an excruciating moment of silence once Marui finishes, and she's left entirely speechless. That's when her expression softens, her mind fully processing everything. What does she say? She's overthinking it. It feels like she should say more, but all she can think to say is...]

I... I'm so relieved because I...

[Her voice is strained, exhausted, and she hates how she sounds. She always imagined a confession would go differently, both people fully expressing their feelings to each other, and it's articulate and beautiful. But it's far more messy and far from perfect than she could ever have imagined.

And yet, somehow, it still leaves her with the most wonderful feeling.

The remainder of the words are caught in her throat, and she has to force them out, sounding far more weak than she intended. The wetness in her eyes doesn't help, and she hastily rubs at them.]

I really like you, too.

[ His stomach turns over seeing that blank shock across her face. Happy or embarrassed or anything with a smile really would be great. Instead that moment between his confession and her response lingers for what feels like an eternity, nothing in her body language to hint at how she's taking it. It's got her completely frozen up.

When she finally starts to react, the softening of her expression, the confession that she's relieved, he knows he can be excited. Not... too excited, not uncool levels of excited, but... happy.

I really like you, too.

Excited. Yeah. That churning around his gut has turned light and fluttery.

Smiling, he inches closer and places a hand on her cheek, similar to her own gesture moments earlier. He brushes his thumb gently across her eye to catch a tear that didn't get picked up in her scrub. ]

Here... You missed a spot.

[Speaking of uncool... where did these tears come from? She hadn't even realized they started. One moment her eyes were wet, and the next... this. But it hardly matters, even if it is a little embarrassing, because now she at least knows how he feels about her. And him gently touching her no longer feels like a tease. It's very real, and she almost doesn't know how to react.

Because... them doing these gestures for each other is normal now, isn't? And she can't help but want more of them.

She smiles softly at him, trying to laugh away the remnants of anxiety she felt only seconds ago.]

What're you, my personal handkerchief?

[All that heaviness from earlier slowly ebbs away, and she's filled with this feeling of weightlessness. Like she could float. It's such a warm, comfy feeling. And she wants to enjoy it a little while longer...]

[ He notices: she accepts the gesture this time. It's a little baffling to him how it all cycled, especially for so long, but it doesn't matter now. ]

Well. Boyfriend would be better. Handkerchiefs don't cuddle. Don't wanna miss that.

[Boyfriend. She stares at him a little surprised, falling silent as it all starts to sink in.

Hearing it out loud sure makes it feel even more real. She hadn't really expected to hear that word yet. Not that it doesn't make sense, but it certainly brings her back to reality.

... To something very important she should discuss with him before accepting this as official. After all, there's a very real possibility that he will reject her. Averting her gaze, her stomach starts tying itself in knots, and she can feel herself become anxious.]

A-Actually... there's something I need to talk to you about...

[ What's wrong now?

Marui's first thought is she's in a relationship in her home world, but then why would it be a relief that he likes her?

Right. He has no clue. In any case, he's taking a step or two back and pocketing his hands because everything about Leia's body language, coupled with the introduction of a confession, signals Complication to this proceeding any further. ]

You missed the exit for "There's something I need to talk to you about" back when you said you were relieved and really liked me too instead of saying that. So, what is it?

[Her heart sinks when she sees him back away from her. It's like a punch to the gut. Seconds ago, he was so happy, and all it takes are a few vague words to unravel it.

Already she doesn't have a good feeling.

She gets it. She really does. But this isn't any easier on her. And he's not the only one whose feelings are at stake. Straightening up, she looks at him sternly, having made up her mind.]

Look, whatever I have to say doesn't change how I feel about you, okay? But this is important, and I'd really appreciate it if we could go home first before I explain--

[Stern as she tries to be, wanting to properly convey how serious her feelings are for him, it doesn't last long before the chill properly settles into her bones, and she sneezes.]

Ugh. Also, I'm freezing, and the ice has thoroughly soaked through every layer now...

Edited 2021-12-15 06:13 (UTC)

[ It's not meant as a withdrawal from her. Leia verbally threw on the brakes and Marui listened. He's doing the best he can after what feels like the proverbial rug being yanked out from under him. And it's a little frustrating! This isn't supposed to be hard. If two people know how they feel and know they want to date, then they do. Simple.

Why is it not simple for Leia?

Whatever the reason, it's certainly an explanation that will be waiting until later. With all the heat she was giving off a minute ago when her fist connected with his jaw, Marui didn't have any concept just how little she was left with. His eyes widen. ]

What're you standing here for, then? Get home already! Run ahead, I'll get the bags.

[ If he sounds grouchy, it's from a place of concern. He turns and starts over towards their shopping haul. ]

[It pains her, and she wishes she could tell him that whatever she has to say doesn't change anything. But it's really up to him on how he handles what she's going to say.

The welcomed stall in the conversation will give her a chance to better collect her thoughts however, despite the bitter chill. But it still doesn't feel right to abandon him with all their stuff.]

I'm not gonna just leave you here to carry all this by yourself. I'll take a couple, so let's go. I'm sure you're not much better off.

[Because he also got drenched, worse than her, actually. Stubbornly, she goes to grab a couple of bags, waiting for him so they can quickly escape the cold together.]

[ He is cold and wet, but the combination of all that's been happening and a naturally high metabolism even before cold exposure has the fact more of a peripheral discomfort than an overriding concern-- for now, at least. Still, he appreciates the spirit of teamwork. ]

I'm okay if we keep moving. All right, I've got these.

[ Marui scoops up what Leia doesn't grab and makes for home with her. ]

[She nods slowly and falls in pace, walking beside him.

If she didn't have to say what she needs to, this would've been the ideal time to reach for his hand. Something she had to stop herself from doing earlier when they were shopping. And it weighs heavily on her to know they had gone from relieved and happy, to awkward and guarded. Uncertainty looming over them like a dark cloud. It's not how she wanted things to go, it's not how she wanted her first confession to go at all, but it can't be helped. All she can do is hope that she's overthinking this.

But it's difficult to get that impression.

The only saving grace is that home is a short distance away, just a few minutes of walking and she can spill everything that's been on her mind.

And this will either end poorly, leaving her full of regret, or everything will be just fine. Though, she wonders, would it have been better to just say nothing at all? But the guilt would've eaten her alive and it just felt wrong to not be honest with him about this. It's also very likely that had she chosen to stay quiet that something might have come up later, then it would look terrible that she never spoke up.

For a short trek it sure feels like an eternity though. She tries to keep her head clear, think about what to say. Meanwhile her heart is beating fast, her throat hurts, and yet none of that alleviates the chill that's settled into her bones. She shivers occasionally, using her free hand to rub at her arm to attempt to generate heat. All the while the crunch of the snow beneath her boots feels unusually loud.]

[ Marui's hands are full carrying bags, so he can't really help with any warming-up gestures, but it doesn't escape his notice how she occasionally shivers. Cold can settle in fast; even he is starting to feel it now. It's a good thing home is close. ]

Holding up okay?

[Awkward as things may be for the time being, she does appreciate him noticing. It's probably one of the things she likes most about him. He's genuinely concerned, and somehow manages to go about it without seeming like a parent would towards a child.]

Y-Yeah... What about you?

The hot chocolate waiting for us is gonna be amazing. [ He says with a grin. Yeah, he's cold, too, but he'll be all right. ]

Wanna take a bath once we're back? If you're soaked through, that'll be the best way to warm up.

[At least he's trying to keep upbeat. She can appreciate that, truly. Inwardly, she's a mess though. And where as she's usually the one in his position, it's hard to imagine the aftermath to a conversation that she honestly can't tell the outcome of...

Her stomach is in knots, her heart aches, and she tries to tell herself this really is nothing to worry about.

But she does offer a small smile. The hot chocolate and hot bath sounding far nicer than she feels she deserves at the moment.]

Just being inside will be fine for now. I have a lot to say first, and I don't want to drag it out any longer.

[And she imagines he doesn't want it dragged out either.]

[ If what Leia most wants is to talk about whatever this is, then that's what they'll do. Marui's biggest priority is simply her comfort. If the cold were the thing most bothering her, waiting another hour for her to soak in a tub and change into warm clothes wasn't that big of a deal. He's waited this long already just to know she likes him, too.

From the sound of it though, the cold isn't what's most bothering her-- at least, not beyond what can be alleviated by going inside. Is this weighing that heavily on her? ]

Okay. We'll sit down with some cocoa, and you tell me everything you wanna share.

[Just knowing that Marui could easily misunderstand her relationship with Jude and this could all end before it even starts is nerve-wracking. But she's doing her best to keep it together. It's a weird storm of emotions in her- she wants to be happy that Marui feels the same way about her, but she can't stop thinking about Jude.]

Thanks. I know this is crappy timing dumping this on you so suddenly.

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