closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

[She closes her eyes against his hand, her own fingers curling and uncurling along his back as they dig in a little, clinging to him for support.]

After all that, I... was in a coma for a while, and by the time I woke up, I could barely walk... or do anything. That... was when I was at my lowest. I hated myself... People took advantage of that, and... I know this isn't the same thing. [Tifa even looks up at him to stop him before he can say anything.] But I never wanted to feel like that again.

[This is the first time she's ever talked about it like this. With anyone... but feeling her feet frozen in place against those three lindwurms, not being able to stand up and protect the people she loves... It brought all of those memories of Nibelheim and the early years in Midgar back.]

I worked hard... I rebuilt everything, including myself. I never wanted anyone to think I was weak, or... helpless. I wanted to be strong and help people.

...

Yesterday felt just like those days. Except this time, I thought I could be strong enough to do something... and I wasn't. And now... people are hurt. You're hurt.

[flamekthunder]

[He continues to gently caress her, continues to hold her close and let her use him for whatever stability she needs.

And continues to silently laugh ruefully at how they keep mirroring each other. It's one of the main reasons he can understand where she's coming from as he's been there.]

No one thinks you're weak or helpless, least of all me. If anything, you're the reason why we're all still alive.

[starshower]

I know you think so, but... I guess it'll just take some time to get there. I still want to be stronger. Better. For us.

[There's a pause, and now it's her turn to laugh silently to herself at how similar they are in so, so many ways and yet, different enough that every day continues to be a surprise—happy surprises from here on out, she hopes, but surprises nonetheless.

Really, voicing things is good, but what they both need is time for these wounds to heal. It's why she's able to be so open about it with him because she knows that regardless of whether he agrees or not, just like Tifa, he understands.

And now, she lets out a weary sigh.]

You know they're going to try saying the same things I did... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

[They're going to apologize, wish they could have done more to help, because that is what good people do...]

[flamekthunder]

[A small sigh, his hand leaving only to stroke her back.]

I know... And they won't have either of us apologizing either.

[He leans in to brush his nose against hers.]

It will be difficult... Maybe we should just say and accept it's all our fault.

[Half a joke, half serious. Because he can definitely see them all going through an endless loop of feeling they should have done more or something else.]

[starshower]

[She'd give him that stern smile of hers that she does at times like this... if she didn't already blame herself for everything. So, Tifa just closes her eyes and sighs, and gently presses her lips to his when he comes close enough for her to.]

Mm. Maybe we should.

[Except she is serious, and Tifa has a feeling that when that time comes, all of these feelings will come rushing back tenfold after she's tried to bury them away. That she might say something to them that she regrets, or that she will simply not accept any apologies from them because there is nothing to apologize for. She'll cross that bridge when they get there, she supposes, because it's inevitable at this rate.

She lets her face nuzzle up against his, a small sound of discontent escaping the back of her throat.]

I'm sorry... for not saying all of this sooner. And I'm sorry for all this. I'm... not proud of it.

[flamekthunder]

I'm starting to think I should ban you from apologizing.

[He then kisses her.]

I'm not proud of what happened earlier, either, so we can feel guilty and terrible about it together.

...Or.

[He looks at her in the eye.]

We take a breath. We accept what's done is done. And now we try to heal from it and not bottle things up anymore. I know it will be difficult... But it's at least something to try and work towards.

[Together.]

[starshower]

[What's done is done...

If only it were that simple. If only she could accept that she did all that she could, but tomorrow, she knows that she will wake up and want to work on herself. Tomorrow, she's going to wake up and think of all the different scenarios, the different ways it could have gone if she had just changed what she did. Made different choices. Maybe they shouldn't have split up in the first place, and whose idea was that to begin with—?

His gaze catches her before those thoughts can spiral too far out of her control, and she tries to take his words to heart, but there's a very distinct, very clear look of uncertainty that still lingers in her eyes when she stares into his and she wonders if he feels the same...

If all those same thoughts are going through his head, too...

Still, she nods. Because they might not be there right now, but it's something they can move towards with work, right?]

... Right.

[But beneath all that doubt is something more resolute and determined that flickers like a little flame.]

I still want to do better... I want to be better. I want to stop being afraid... and I want to be stronger.

[Not necessarily physically. That isn't where the problem lies, but her heart wavers so much when it comes to herself and her choices that it's hard to be so sure of anything.]

I just don't... know how. I don't know where to start.

[She looks to him, wordlessly pleading for his help.]

[flamekthunder]

[He sees her doubt and he can only quietly sigh. He can't blame her—he will be thinking about the exact same things. It's what he does...but it seems he's able to handle it a bit better.]

...If the fear is the lindwurms and what happened... Then we could try getting you used to them so that you are less affected.

[Face her fears.]

But I'm not letting you near them again.

[starshower]

[It isn't even completely about the lindwurms, but she supposes that's as good as any a place to start. That had been where it all snowballed and then spiraled out of control, isn't it? It was there that she felt helpless, and like she couldn't protect herself, or him...

Her head tips with curiosity and some confusion, but she takes advantage of her position to steal a very quick, very light kiss from him.]

... How do we do that?

[flamekthunder]

[He thinks for a moment before he stares at her for a few beats longer.]

...I'll be the lindwurm. In a dreamscape simulation.

[starshower]

You...?

[She swallows past the sudden lump in her throat that chokes her voice out.]

I can't let you do that... Not after the last one... You were hurting.

[Tifa is more afraid of seeing him so tortured and hurt than she is about seeing any form of a lindwurm again. She knows what he is trying to accomplish and understands his angle—that she isn't going to get over this fear simply by wishing for it, and the safest possible way would be if he were to take on that form, but...

She remembers his cries of agony as those weapons pierced deep into those scales... How it tore her soul into pieces watching it all happen.]

[flamekthunder]

[He just gently shakes his head and cups her cheek once more.]

...I need to do this, too. That fear of losing control and what could come with it... That memory from back then...

...And how I'm still afraid of how you might fear and reject me.

[A small, rueful smile.]

So this will be for me just as much as it will be for you.

[starshower]

[A few beats of silence pass while she looks at him, her eyes searching his for every shred of certainty in them, but when he smiles at her, Tifa's expression softens, that edge of determination dulled by sadness, and a little bit of pride. He's so strong... so much stronger than she could ever hope to be but still aspires to, and for the thousandth time today, she asks the universe how she ended up being so lucky as to end up here with him?

As much as Tifa fears seeing him hurt again, she wouldn't dare take any of that away from him. Even if this would serve no purpose for her, if it meant it would help him, then she would face her own fears to see it through. If it would make him believe that she would never reject him or fear him ever again...

She huffs out with a defeated sigh and returns a smile to him before she leans down to kiss him.]

Okay. Whenever you're ready... But don't push yourself...

[flamekthunder]

[He just takes a moment to savor the kiss and the moment between them before answering.]

...Let's wait a few days, when we've managed to clear our heads a bit more and are more emotionally stable.

[He'll want to take some time to not only process everything from the last 24 hours now, but to steel himself, too, and he's certain she also needs some time for her own thoughts and resolve.]

[starshower]

Yeah. That's probably for the best.

[Eager as she is to get through this as quickly as possible so that they're one day closer to having their normal lives back, even the last few hours have been overwhelmingly emotional. She still feels drained and sleepy, and just wants to sink herself into his presence a little longer first. And for the first time today, she doesn't reprimand herself for being selfish for wanting that.

Instead, she embraces it.

Her arms wrap around him again and she presses more lazy kisses to his jaw and his neck, across his shoulders and chest, none of it meant to stir up any further desires. Simply because she wants to. In between them, she murmurs with the tease of a smile.]

...We should pick up the dogs...

[flamekthunder]

[She may not be intending it, but it does stir up something....... However, he'll just deepen his breathing and close his eyes, honing in on where she moves, the brush of her lips sending those warm tingles that travel downward. In return his hands start to roam over her body, slowly fingering and tracing the lines of her muscles and spine along her back.]

Mm...

...Maybe they should stay with the flowers for one more night.

[starshower]

[He can't see the way she arches a single brow, but he will hear the little hum that follows as she lets her back arch beneath his light touches that tickle her spine and send goosebumps shooting up it. She isn't trying to do anything, but he knows exactly where to put his hands to get that rise out of her, and Tifa lets him as her lips find his again.]

... As long as they'll be okay.

[Eria and Clover are probably long-gone to the flowers' tree by now. She doesn't hear them outside their door. But they were all always good about taking care of one another like good siblings should.]

Because I don't think I can get up...

[flamekthunder]

...Hm...

[His lips brush against hers as his hands slide lower to her hips.]

Should I make it so you really can't...?

[starshower]

[He draws the most breathless gasp out of her.]

Eustace!

[She gives him a gentle shove against his shoulder, but with him on his back, it only sinks him further into the bed and lifts her up and away from him.]

... That sounds like a challenge.

[Not that it would be much of one—he's making it so this very second with the way his hands move over her, and she can feel a ripple of warmth already spreading over her, and her toes curl with anticipation.]

[flamekthunder]

[He can't help but smirk as he watches how her body rises, not even bothering to hide where his gaze goes to.

...Now, should they? After everything? Some might think no, but for him... He just wants to love her in every way possible, and she's the only one who could push him like this—even if she doesn't mean to.

There's a very strong urge to push her downward, but he resists. Barely.]

Do you want to take it?

[starshower]

[She ponders it for a while... or pretends to...

Before she wordlessly flips them over so that she's on her back with him on top of her in such a smooth motion that she surprises herself with it, given how tired she feels. They don't need to, they could just lie here in bed until the sun came up the next day and doze in and out of sleep and she wouldn't mind, but the longer she looks at him, the more she kisses him, the more that craving sinks itself deep in her.

One hand takes his at her hip and guides it over her, trailing his fingers along her side and up to her chest where she presses his palm over her heart, and he'll feel it racing again, see her body rise and fall with each breath...]

Only if you want to...

[That glint of a smile fades, replaced with something more serious.]

Was there anything you wanted to say? Talk about? Ask, or tell me?

[flamekthunder]

[He's surprised by the maneuver, his bangs falling messily over the right side of his face and hanging over like a curtain. But the slightly widened eyes curve into amusement as she takes his hand, the heat from her skin tantalizing...but it's the feeling of that precious heartbeat that makes him press his palm more firmly against it, as if wanting to secure it in place so it never stops.

He stares down at her for a moment before he shifts and repositions himself so that he's more aligned with her, his face lowering closer.]

...I just want to tell you how much I love you. And how no matter what...

[He lifts the hand holding his, pressing his lips against her ring finger that still remains empty.]

...I won't falter again. I won't make you doubt my love for you again. I will be your strength... Just as you have become mine.

[starshower]

[She purrs when his lips meet her finger, and she imagines what it might be like to have a ring around it. She had, once, in a dream long ago, but that hadn't been real. This time however, come winter, it will be, and he will have one to match. Her neck feels empty without that chain, but as nice as it was to have a physical representation of their love for each other, what really matters is this.

These precious feelings that are like a guarded secret that only they may ever know...

But at times she wonders how it might feel to have a ring there, to have his lips press to it just like they do her bare skin... And as they leave her finger, she runs her hand across his cheek so that she can push back the hair that drapes over and hides his face from the sun.]

I never doubted you. I won't ever. And even if you falter, I promise that I'll be here to catch you...

[With that said, Tifa lifts her head to connect her lips against his.]

I love you...

[More than she did a minute ago, a second ago. If there were a word to describe something that were more than overwhelming, it would be these things she's feeling for him right now. It's an indescribable sort of love, the kind that takes over one's mind and soul. It's the kind that leaves her breathless but her lungs full of his scent like it's the air she breathes.

She's sure that she's never loved him more, but then he kisses her again, he touches her again, he whispers sweet nothings in her ear, and that all changes...

As they spend the next hours together, Tifa is sure to remind him of everything she's said. That she would love him always, that should he ever trip and stumble, she would be there to catch him. That should she ever fall, she would want him to be the one to catch her... That in spite of everything that's happened today, even if they are both tattered, scarred, and bruised on the outside, everything beneath that has never changed.

Their love hasn't changed but it has grown stronger, more resilient, like the starflowers that hold fast around their tree, their petals blooming a little bigger and shimmering brighter, even as the shadows continue to lurk beneath their glow.

It's only after the sun has begun to set that they even make it out of bed at all. It's Tifa's rumbling stomach that protests (very) loudly to her wanting to stay beneath the sheets with him, insisting that they finally get something proper to eat. So, after changing into fresh clothes, she's able to whip up something fresh and easy for them—salads made with vegetables plucked straight from the communal garden and her special homemade vinaigrette dressing. Plenty of water to go with it, and some coffee.

Eria returns on her own without the kitten, who she'd left with the flowers, to check up on them, and even the wolf seems pleased to see that they are already in slightly higher spirits. She can still sense the tension, but it isn't between them. Rather, it's the residual energy that still lingers, the more stubborn pieces of it that cling on for dear life. They explain to her their plans to keep the corgis at the flower tree for another night, to give them the space they need— they'll pick them up tomorrow, they promise! —and that's all the explanation she requires before she rolls her eyes and walks away with a sassy swish of her tail that makes Tifa laugh, shushing herself only when Eria shoots her a look.

There's some cleaning that needs to be done, too. It helps, having some things to keep them busy, but it's all things that they can do together. Cleaning up the mess that they left in the living room during their earlier conversation, and mopping up any water that's been left on the floor in the bathroom from that morning... Before they're making a mess of it again. Another bath together, and this time, they spend it talking about things that aren't the nightmares. Happy things, at Tifa's insistence. Like planning another date in the near future, the new things she wants to buy for the house... All things that they might have talked about while cozy in a hot bath together before...

It's well into late hours of the night when they finally make it back to bed, and even with a slightly more restful evening, she still feels her body giving out under the fatigue, prepared to collapse into their bed next to him.

Once there together, she scoots up right next to him, but she doesn't fit herself right in at his side. Instead, she moves up, watching the sleepy look on his face as she reaches to touch his ears, his hair and their fur still a bit damp from the bath.]

... You'll be able to sleep?

[flamekthunder]

[It would have been difficult to imagine at first, but being able to share in their bliss really does wonders to improve his mental and emotional state. The shadows still lurked, but when he was Tifa...it really felt as if he had his own special sun constantly warming and lighting the way to push them back. There were still times the doubts or regrets of those deep rooted issues would appear, but he could push them back for another day. Be reminded of the special treasure he had found in her, and why he has to pick himself—and her—up whenever they stumble.

And after...having more than his fill throughout the day, he was more than content to just basking in her presence and just be able to hold and be close to her, stealing and sharing the occasional kiss every now and then. It truly felt...as if things had returned back to the day before. As if that nightmare never happened. Briefly he wonders if that's a good thing or not. They certainly aren't brushing past anything this time, but are they somehow moving back forward too quickly? ...Or was this just a testament to their love and devotion for one another, how desperately they want to keep moving instead of squandering in the dark? Guilt and pain would sometimes flicker through whenever he see her smile or if she seems to be in her own thoughts, but then she smiles so brightly...

No, it's better this way. Better to salvage these moments of peace to help heal their wounds. So when they finally end up in bed, Eustace just wraps his arms around her waist, not minding that she doesn't move right to his side as it allows him to press his face against her chest, breathing in her scent and listening to her heart as her touch lulls him further. It seems now that the worst has passed and they are able to just rest, his body has finally decided to give out completely.]

...Mm. You?

[...Should he suggest the dream sharing thing? But his mind is already drifting, that soft sound of her heart beating so loud and strong...]

[starshower]

[She smiles down at him fondly, glad that he can't see the way that sadness flickers through her gaze again. It's not as if she's bottling anything up—they have talked plenty and she's said everything that she wanted to say, but there are still times when she looks at him and feels... sad for him. Sad that he had to go through all of that, and that she knows beneath all the smiles and the laughter they shared today in an attempt to heal their hearts, there is still pain.

Try as she might to whisk it all away in a single night, she knows that she can't, and it's a hard pill to swallow, but one that she does, nonetheless.

Her fingers continue to gently run over his ears, brushing and squeezing in all the ways that she knows he likes to help relax him and ease him into a slumber that she prays will be a good one. They both need the sleep—the naps throughout the day were helpful but not nearly enough, but he's the one who needs it most...]

Yeah. I think so. I feel... relaxed.

[Well, as relaxed as she can be right now. She sighs as she presses a kiss to the top of his head.]

That bath was nice.

[Good for them, honestly. Her muscles were sore and she felt a headache coming on, but the heat and the lavender-scented steam did wonders to help both that even Eustace will be able to feel her body sinking into the mattress.]

But don't worry about me...