closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

[Her body grows tense, like the guilt is pulling and squeezing every muscle in her. So many what-ifs that make no difference—what happened, happened and there is no going back to change that, and she knows in her heart that he's right... She knows that she could—should rely on others to help. She knows that she shouldn't harbour all that guilt on her own...

But that's just how it's been her whole life, and old habits really do die hard.]

I still wouldn't blame you.

[Her voice is quiet, teeming with shame.]

I don't like thinking that there was nothing I could have done, or that it was out of my control. At least if I can find that, I could know what to do better next time. Maybe I'd be okay with that.

... But I can't accept that part of it wasn't my fault.

[flamekthunder]

There were three of them, Tifa. And they ambushed you. If I were in your position, even I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with them on my own, let alone with a trauma like you did. I certainly wouldn't come out unscathed and would have had to escape.

And whether or not you could have pulled me back on your own, we won't know—and I don't really want another chance to find out.

But you're blaming yourself for being a victim—and I know it's difficult, but you need to understand that you shouldn't. You're innocent.

[He then takes a breath as he wonders if he's being too harsh. He just... Hates how she blames herself for all this... And hates himself for putting her in that position.

He hugs her, his voice softening.]

You are still strong. You still faced me, still tried to reach me and saved me. We both have weaknesses and there's nothing wrong with that... We can help each other. All of us.

[Not just the two of them, but everyone else as well.]

[starshower]

[His embrace is such a relief to her. It's the one steady, constant thing that she has through her clouded judgements and the emotional unrest that's raging inside her. It helps knowing that even when she's blaming herself, sees fault in her actions or in this case, her inaction, that he wouldn't back down from her. That he would never leave her or let go, even when she's hit her lowest points.

Even if it might be more difficult to accept that support, being reminded that it's there eases some of that ache in her heart and helps to clear the storm in her mind.

And deep down, far in the furthest reaches of herself, she knows that he's right about everything. She'll need to search for that truth there too, so that she can finally accept that she does have weaknesses. That she does need to learn to lean on others better. His little nudges in that direction are helping...

He's always been like a beacon for her... like the moonlight on the darkest day that's there to guide her through it.]

Hm...

[Tifa smiles ruefully at him as she turns her head, although the sound she makes is still a touch self-critical.

She wonders if, maybe, she had the kind of support he is willing to give her now, if things might have been different back then. If she would have an easier time forgiving herself for all of these shortcomings now.]

Do you remember that dream you saw...? A long time ago, back at the beginning of the year... All the things that happened to my hometown?

[flamekthunder]

[The moment she turns her head, his hand is there to lightly brush against it, as if wanting to wipe away her errant thoughts.]

Yes.

[It's been on the back of his mind since she started.]

[starshower]

[She closes her eyes against his hand, her own fingers curling and uncurling along his back as they dig in a little, clinging to him for support.]

After all that, I... was in a coma for a while, and by the time I woke up, I could barely walk... or do anything. That... was when I was at my lowest. I hated myself... People took advantage of that, and... I know this isn't the same thing. [Tifa even looks up at him to stop him before he can say anything.] But I never wanted to feel like that again.

[This is the first time she's ever talked about it like this. With anyone... but feeling her feet frozen in place against those three lindwurms, not being able to stand up and protect the people she loves... It brought all of those memories of Nibelheim and the early years in Midgar back.]

I worked hard... I rebuilt everything, including myself. I never wanted anyone to think I was weak, or... helpless. I wanted to be strong and help people.

...

Yesterday felt just like those days. Except this time, I thought I could be strong enough to do something... and I wasn't. And now... people are hurt. You're hurt.

[flamekthunder]

[He continues to gently caress her, continues to hold her close and let her use him for whatever stability she needs.

And continues to silently laugh ruefully at how they keep mirroring each other. It's one of the main reasons he can understand where she's coming from as he's been there.]

No one thinks you're weak or helpless, least of all me. If anything, you're the reason why we're all still alive.

[starshower]

I know you think so, but... I guess it'll just take some time to get there. I still want to be stronger. Better. For us.

[There's a pause, and now it's her turn to laugh silently to herself at how similar they are in so, so many ways and yet, different enough that every day continues to be a surprise—happy surprises from here on out, she hopes, but surprises nonetheless.

Really, voicing things is good, but what they both need is time for these wounds to heal. It's why she's able to be so open about it with him because she knows that regardless of whether he agrees or not, just like Tifa, he understands.

And now, she lets out a weary sigh.]

You know they're going to try saying the same things I did... I don't know if I'm ready for that.

[They're going to apologize, wish they could have done more to help, because that is what good people do...]

[flamekthunder]

[A small sigh, his hand leaving only to stroke her back.]

I know... And they won't have either of us apologizing either.

[He leans in to brush his nose against hers.]

It will be difficult... Maybe we should just say and accept it's all our fault.

[Half a joke, half serious. Because he can definitely see them all going through an endless loop of feeling they should have done more or something else.]

[starshower]

[She'd give him that stern smile of hers that she does at times like this... if she didn't already blame herself for everything. So, Tifa just closes her eyes and sighs, and gently presses her lips to his when he comes close enough for her to.]

Mm. Maybe we should.

[Except she is serious, and Tifa has a feeling that when that time comes, all of these feelings will come rushing back tenfold after she's tried to bury them away. That she might say something to them that she regrets, or that she will simply not accept any apologies from them because there is nothing to apologize for. She'll cross that bridge when they get there, she supposes, because it's inevitable at this rate.

She lets her face nuzzle up against his, a small sound of discontent escaping the back of her throat.]

I'm sorry... for not saying all of this sooner. And I'm sorry for all this. I'm... not proud of it.

[flamekthunder]

I'm starting to think I should ban you from apologizing.

[He then kisses her.]

I'm not proud of what happened earlier, either, so we can feel guilty and terrible about it together.

...Or.

[He looks at her in the eye.]

We take a breath. We accept what's done is done. And now we try to heal from it and not bottle things up anymore. I know it will be difficult... But it's at least something to try and work towards.

[Together.]

[starshower]

[What's done is done...

If only it were that simple. If only she could accept that she did all that she could, but tomorrow, she knows that she will wake up and want to work on herself. Tomorrow, she's going to wake up and think of all the different scenarios, the different ways it could have gone if she had just changed what she did. Made different choices. Maybe they shouldn't have split up in the first place, and whose idea was that to begin with—?

His gaze catches her before those thoughts can spiral too far out of her control, and she tries to take his words to heart, but there's a very distinct, very clear look of uncertainty that still lingers in her eyes when she stares into his and she wonders if he feels the same...

If all those same thoughts are going through his head, too...

Still, she nods. Because they might not be there right now, but it's something they can move towards with work, right?]

... Right.

[But beneath all that doubt is something more resolute and determined that flickers like a little flame.]

I still want to do better... I want to be better. I want to stop being afraid... and I want to be stronger.

[Not necessarily physically. That isn't where the problem lies, but her heart wavers so much when it comes to herself and her choices that it's hard to be so sure of anything.]

I just don't... know how. I don't know where to start.

[She looks to him, wordlessly pleading for his help.]

[flamekthunder]

[He sees her doubt and he can only quietly sigh. He can't blame her—he will be thinking about the exact same things. It's what he does...but it seems he's able to handle it a bit better.]

...If the fear is the lindwurms and what happened... Then we could try getting you used to them so that you are less affected.

[Face her fears.]

But I'm not letting you near them again.

[starshower]

[It isn't even completely about the lindwurms, but she supposes that's as good as any a place to start. That had been where it all snowballed and then spiraled out of control, isn't it? It was there that she felt helpless, and like she couldn't protect herself, or him...

Her head tips with curiosity and some confusion, but she takes advantage of her position to steal a very quick, very light kiss from him.]

... How do we do that?

[flamekthunder]

[He thinks for a moment before he stares at her for a few beats longer.]

...I'll be the lindwurm. In a dreamscape simulation.

[starshower]

You...?

[She swallows past the sudden lump in her throat that chokes her voice out.]

I can't let you do that... Not after the last one... You were hurting.

[Tifa is more afraid of seeing him so tortured and hurt than she is about seeing any form of a lindwurm again. She knows what he is trying to accomplish and understands his angle—that she isn't going to get over this fear simply by wishing for it, and the safest possible way would be if he were to take on that form, but...

She remembers his cries of agony as those weapons pierced deep into those scales... How it tore her soul into pieces watching it all happen.]

[flamekthunder]

[He just gently shakes his head and cups her cheek once more.]

...I need to do this, too. That fear of losing control and what could come with it... That memory from back then...

...And how I'm still afraid of how you might fear and reject me.

[A small, rueful smile.]

So this will be for me just as much as it will be for you.

[starshower]

[A few beats of silence pass while she looks at him, her eyes searching his for every shred of certainty in them, but when he smiles at her, Tifa's expression softens, that edge of determination dulled by sadness, and a little bit of pride. He's so strong... so much stronger than she could ever hope to be but still aspires to, and for the thousandth time today, she asks the universe how she ended up being so lucky as to end up here with him?

As much as Tifa fears seeing him hurt again, she wouldn't dare take any of that away from him. Even if this would serve no purpose for her, if it meant it would help him, then she would face her own fears to see it through. If it would make him believe that she would never reject him or fear him ever again...

She huffs out with a defeated sigh and returns a smile to him before she leans down to kiss him.]

Okay. Whenever you're ready... But don't push yourself...

[flamekthunder]

[He just takes a moment to savor the kiss and the moment between them before answering.]

...Let's wait a few days, when we've managed to clear our heads a bit more and are more emotionally stable.

[He'll want to take some time to not only process everything from the last 24 hours now, but to steel himself, too, and he's certain she also needs some time for her own thoughts and resolve.]

[starshower]

Yeah. That's probably for the best.

[Eager as she is to get through this as quickly as possible so that they're one day closer to having their normal lives back, even the last few hours have been overwhelmingly emotional. She still feels drained and sleepy, and just wants to sink herself into his presence a little longer first. And for the first time today, she doesn't reprimand herself for being selfish for wanting that.

Instead, she embraces it.

Her arms wrap around him again and she presses more lazy kisses to his jaw and his neck, across his shoulders and chest, none of it meant to stir up any further desires. Simply because she wants to. In between them, she murmurs with the tease of a smile.]

...We should pick up the dogs...

[flamekthunder]

[She may not be intending it, but it does stir up something....... However, he'll just deepen his breathing and close his eyes, honing in on where she moves, the brush of her lips sending those warm tingles that travel downward. In return his hands start to roam over her body, slowly fingering and tracing the lines of her muscles and spine along her back.]

Mm...

...Maybe they should stay with the flowers for one more night.

[starshower]

[He can't see the way she arches a single brow, but he will hear the little hum that follows as she lets her back arch beneath his light touches that tickle her spine and send goosebumps shooting up it. She isn't trying to do anything, but he knows exactly where to put his hands to get that rise out of her, and Tifa lets him as her lips find his again.]

... As long as they'll be okay.

[Eria and Clover are probably long-gone to the flowers' tree by now. She doesn't hear them outside their door. But they were all always good about taking care of one another like good siblings should.]

Because I don't think I can get up...

[flamekthunder]

...Hm...

[His lips brush against hers as his hands slide lower to her hips.]

Should I make it so you really can't...?

[starshower]

[He draws the most breathless gasp out of her.]

Eustace!

[She gives him a gentle shove against his shoulder, but with him on his back, it only sinks him further into the bed and lifts her up and away from him.]

... That sounds like a challenge.

[Not that it would be much of one—he's making it so this very second with the way his hands move over her, and she can feel a ripple of warmth already spreading over her, and her toes curl with anticipation.]

[flamekthunder]

[He can't help but smirk as he watches how her body rises, not even bothering to hide where his gaze goes to.

...Now, should they? After everything? Some might think no, but for him... He just wants to love her in every way possible, and she's the only one who could push him like this—even if she doesn't mean to.

There's a very strong urge to push her downward, but he resists. Barely.]

Do you want to take it?

[starshower]

[She ponders it for a while... or pretends to...

Before she wordlessly flips them over so that she's on her back with him on top of her in such a smooth motion that she surprises herself with it, given how tired she feels. They don't need to, they could just lie here in bed until the sun came up the next day and doze in and out of sleep and she wouldn't mind, but the longer she looks at him, the more she kisses him, the more that craving sinks itself deep in her.

One hand takes his at her hip and guides it over her, trailing his fingers along her side and up to her chest where she presses his palm over her heart, and he'll feel it racing again, see her body rise and fall with each breath...]

Only if you want to...

[That glint of a smile fades, replaced with something more serious.]

Was there anything you wanted to say? Talk about? Ask, or tell me?