closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

Mm?

[The kiss surprises her, simply because she hadn't properly woken yet to understand what was going on, but it's only seconds before Tifa is stirred further out of the cloudiness of sleep, the kiss gently tugging her back into the waking world where he's waiting for her.]

Eustace...

[It's purred the second his lips leave hers, and there's the very subtle happy surprise in her voice to find him there, like she wasn't expecting it. How far had she fallen into the sleep? How long was she asleep for? The sunlight in the room as she tries to blink the drowsiness from her eyes tells her it might be late afternoon, but she'd lost track of time long before they even thought about returning here.]

How long...? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep...

[flamekthunder]

[A soft, light chuckle as he brushes his lips over her eyes again.]

Not long...I fell asleep, too.

[starshower]

[She lets her eyes fall shut now that she knows he's there, and that this is all real, and she savours the feeling of his lips over them while the rest of her body curls up closer to his, like she's trying to wrap herself around him.]

Did you... [Have any nightmares? That doesn't feel like the right question to ask.] Was it a good sleep?

[That's when Tifa opens her eyes to look at him, and although they're still a bit cloudy, they're filled with both affection and worry that she had slept through another bad dream...]

[flamekthunder]

Mm.

[Knowing what she's worried about he drops another soft kiss on her lips.]

...I'm not sure if I dreamed or not, but it wasn't anything bad, I can say that much.

[Now it's his turn to look at her with some concern.]

...And you?

[She had looked so sweet and peaceful that he can only hope she didn't have any nightmares of her own.]

[starshower]

[She smiles lazily, relieved.]

I don't know... I don't think I did either. It was just...

[Her words pause so that she can slowly brush her fingers through his hair.]

Quiet. Almost too peaceful.

[Given everything that's happened, it does feel a bit odd thinking about it now, but she isn't going to question it. She'll simply thank the universe for giving them both this small little break before they tumble back into the chaos...]

[flamekthunder]

That's how it felt for me...

[A small sigh as he nuzzles her.]

Peaceful.

[starshower]

[She buries herself in him, her body curling up as much as it can against his until her face is pressed right into the crook of his neck where she hums quietly.]

I'm glad... Had me worried for a sec...

[But from the sounds of it, they both needed something like this. Even if it won't last forever, it's enough, and it helps to push back some of that guilt she feels about feeling like maybe... she had pushed him, but Tifa remembers his words, his reassurance that she could never. It was what he wanted, wasn't it?

...

There's a small shake of her head.]

[flamekthunder]

[Although it feels so sweet and comfortable, he senses something is amiss, especially when she shakes her head that feels different than just her trying to adjust or cuddle against him. He doesn't know what she's really thinking of, and can only assume she's just worried about all the other things that's happened. And in fairness, there's quite a bit worth worrying over.

...Should he ask, or... It's just so nice right now that he doesn't want to ruin it...

...But that's also been their problem.

After a few beats, the hand that had been gently stroking her arm moves to her hair, playing with it a little.]

...Something on your mind?

[He won't push her too far, not this time. But...a small opening should she choose to take it.]

[starshower]

Hm...?

[Tifa turns so that her head is resting on his shoulder instead, her face no longer hidden in his neck so that she can look at him. There's been a lot on her mind, and her expression says as much, with the way her lips tighten ever so slightly despite the tiredness that's there.

She's about to shake her head again, to deny that there's nothing wrong, but she remembers the look that Eria gave them both, and as she looks at him, she thinks that maybe he deserves better than that, too. She promised that she would stop hiding from him, didn't she? And Tifa intends to keep that promise. Cherish it.]

I just... [Her hand continues to brush through his hair, and a sad smile crosses over her features.] This is what you wanted too, right?

[flamekthunder]

[He gives her a reproachful look.]

Was I not convincing enough?

[Especially after doing this and that and ❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚❚

But he knows what she's really asking, which is why he doesn't tease or make good on that subtle threat.]

I did want it...needed it. Needed you. [He pulls her so that she's on top of him, arms wrapped fully around her waist.] And the moment was right.

[It may have been highly emotionally driven, but they were not just desperate ones for need of an escape. He just...really wanted to be with her, to love her—to be reminded of what they have. For better or worse, this is the form it takes.]

Besides... I'm not letting you get away from it now.

[starshower]

[She lets herself be guided, her whole body still too sleepy to do much else but allow it, so when he pulls her on top, he'll feel her weight immediately sink over him with her head on his chest. She listens to him breathe for a while, listens to the roar of his heartbeat, knowing that it's beating for them. For this, with all the sincerity in the world, and she feels silly for doubting it again.]

I don't want to...

[She peppers his collarbone with light kisses, frustrated by the bandages that block her way.

But it's more than that; those claws dig deeper than this, and they both know it. It isn't just about the guilt she might feel when they spend time like this and wonders if they should approach it differently.

Her lips slow, and he'll feel her sharp breath on his skin as she sighs, and she props her chin up on his chest to look at him.

...

....]

Do you think everyone else is okay?

[There it is.]

[flamekthunder]

[His eyes meet hers, and there is a flicker of guilt of his own before he finally answers.]

...Everyone will need time to heal, but they are all strong willed in their own ways.

[It's...difficult for him to answer. He can't just say they will all be all right in some optimistic way—he's too much of a realist. And he did a lot of damage... Mentally, physically. Some worse than others.]

[starshower]

[She sees that guilt, recognizes it as mirroring her own, and she reaches out to press a warm hand to his face, hoping to silently remind him that she is there with him in this, and she uses that time, that tender moment to collect and sort through her own thoughts.

Tifa knows that they'll all come out of this—every single one of them, but it will take time. Just like the two of them. Though they may be lying here like this, seeking comfort and closeness in one another, there are many wounds that won't heal right away. They can patch them up, ignore them for now in favour of making room for better things, but that won't make them disappear.

They'll all have to face it eventually.

Including her...]

I can't help but feel... [She starts quietly, only half realizing that she does. But at least with him here wrapped around her, she feels that little bit of encouragement and support she needs to keep going.] ... I feel like calling for help put them all in danger.

[flamekthunder]

[His eyes close briefly at her touch leaning into the reassuring warmth. That reminder they are here together, supporting each other, comforting each other. She's done so much got him... Will he be able to do the same for her? It's time to be tested as he looks at her with worried eyes.]

Tifa... Do you really think that? [And with the way she says it, that guilt clear in her eyes... Dammit.

It's his turn to cup her cheek, thumb gently stroking soft skin.]

If you hadn't managed to call for help, we wouldn't be here now. You did the right thing.

[starshower]

[She doesn't even need to answer, because he'll see it there before she closes her eyes into his touch, using it to ground herself, center herself, and remind herself that they are in this together. That he'll support her through this just like she wants to do for him...

And she'll quietly, gently echo his words back.]

... Do you really think that?

[That if she hadn't called out for help... that they wouldn't be back here together.]

Maybe I could have done something when I woke up? I don't know...

[She's desperate to at least know she could have done it on her own if she needed to. That she wouldn't have had to rely on others...]

[flamekthunder]

[His frown deepens and he sits up slightly.]

Tifa.

Why do you always want to do things on your own?

[starshower]

[Tifa doesn't shrink back from him, but there is that hesitant look in her eyes. Her arms find his shoulders so that she can wrap them around him, making sure to maintain that closeness and the touch regardless of how she might be feeling under that frown of his.

It's true that she tries to do too much on her own... Tifa knows that and still, she does it anyway. She never wants to be a burden on anyone else, or make herself feel like she's someone else's responsibility, or that she can't take care of herself or the people that she loves... And she felt an awful combination of all of those things when they showed up.]

... You saw what happened.

[flamekthunder]

[Eustace has a feeling he knows what she's talking about, that dream they shared in what feels so long ago.]

But I don't know what's going on in your mind.

[Even if he could relate and make conjectures, even if his thoughts might be correct, he won't ever know the full picture until he hears her say it herself.]

...You need to voice it out.

[Just like he did.]

[starshower]

...

[She does. If not for herself, then at least for him.]

If I had done it all on my own... If I'd just fought off those lindwurms instead of freezing like I did... If I could have found a way to you myself, then...

[Ori and Trahearne wouldn't have been shot. Beatrix wouldn't have been electrocuted. Aerith wouldn't have been stabbed. Susato wouldn't have drowned.]

Then none of it would have happened. I feel like... I was a burden.

[flamekthunder]

[A look of helplessness washes over him as he listens, his thoughts confirmed.]

You shouldn't blame yourself. You've been traumatized, it's only natural you would react that way.

[He's about to continue to try and make her see why she's blameless, but then he realizes that it won't really do much because that's not the real issue that needs to be addressed.

Instead her own words echo back to him and he looks at her with a firm, steady eye.]

But why do you insist you have to do it on your own? You keep telling me, telling others that we need to call out for help, to rely on others. [A small pause.] To rely on you.

What makes you any different? Why can't you rely on us?

[starshower]

I...

[She barely gets any form of a thought out before she falls silent, her head falling back down to hide behind the hair that tumbles over her face.]

Because when I rely on others, people just get hurt...

[And it all boils back down to how helpless she felt against those lindwurms, and then again when faced with him in the cave.]

If I'd just been a little faster... not so weak, I might've been able to stop it. Or helped. Instead, I... just had to watch.

[flamekthunder]

[He lets her keep her head down and gently brushes her hair with his hand.]

And if I told you I felt the same? If I had noticed something was wrong sooner, if I had been able to get that shot off, if I hadn't lost control and sent Aerona off to get help first.

If I had done all of that, if I had at least kept my emotions in check, then you wouldn't have needed to make that call and no one else would have been hurt.

[starshower]

[Her body grows tense, like the guilt is pulling and squeezing every muscle in her. So many what-ifs that make no difference—what happened, happened and there is no going back to change that, and she knows in her heart that he's right... She knows that she could—should rely on others to help. She knows that she shouldn't harbour all that guilt on her own...

But that's just how it's been her whole life, and old habits really do die hard.]

I still wouldn't blame you.

[Her voice is quiet, teeming with shame.]

I don't like thinking that there was nothing I could have done, or that it was out of my control. At least if I can find that, I could know what to do better next time. Maybe I'd be okay with that.

... But I can't accept that part of it wasn't my fault.

[flamekthunder]

There were three of them, Tifa. And they ambushed you. If I were in your position, even I'm not sure I would have been able to deal with them on my own, let alone with a trauma like you did. I certainly wouldn't come out unscathed and would have had to escape.

And whether or not you could have pulled me back on your own, we won't know—and I don't really want another chance to find out.

But you're blaming yourself for being a victim—and I know it's difficult, but you need to understand that you shouldn't. You're innocent.

[He then takes a breath as he wonders if he's being too harsh. He just... Hates how she blames herself for all this... And hates himself for putting her in that position.

He hugs her, his voice softening.]

You are still strong. You still faced me, still tried to reach me and saved me. We both have weaknesses and there's nothing wrong with that... We can help each other. All of us.

[Not just the two of them, but everyone else as well.]

[starshower]

[His embrace is such a relief to her. It's the one steady, constant thing that she has through her clouded judgements and the emotional unrest that's raging inside her. It helps knowing that even when she's blaming herself, sees fault in her actions or in this case, her inaction, that he wouldn't back down from her. That he would never leave her or let go, even when she's hit her lowest points.

Even if it might be more difficult to accept that support, being reminded that it's there eases some of that ache in her heart and helps to clear the storm in her mind.

And deep down, far in the furthest reaches of herself, she knows that he's right about everything. She'll need to search for that truth there too, so that she can finally accept that she does have weaknesses. That she does need to learn to lean on others better. His little nudges in that direction are helping...

He's always been like a beacon for her... like the moonlight on the darkest day that's there to guide her through it.]

Hm...

[Tifa smiles ruefully at him as she turns her head, although the sound she makes is still a touch self-critical.

She wonders if, maybe, she had the kind of support he is willing to give her now, if things might have been different back then. If she would have an easier time forgiving herself for all of these shortcomings now.]

Do you remember that dream you saw...? A long time ago, back at the beginning of the year... All the things that happened to my hometown?