closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[flamekthunder]

[He feels that similar ache, the thought of her feeling guilty and him indulging and accepting in it as well. Eustace never really thinks about it given how mature Tifa is, but there are times when he remembers that he's the older one in this relationship—much older—and while he's still new at it all, too, he should at least try and help look out for the both of them just as she does.

Yet even so, again there is a bit of comfort knowing that once again, even in this they seem to be on the same page. So he just lightly nuzzles her, fingertips gently caressing her cheek as he gives a slight shake of his head.]

Don't. If you do, you'll have to keep in mind that I share in that guilt.

[There's a soft, wane smile as his eyes reach hers.]

And... Given everything, I don't think it's so inexcusable that we end up taking this path. Especially now...with what happened... Like you, I prefer action over words.... And I can always feel your sincerity and reassurance through it.

[A small, light kiss.]

As long as we continue the dialogue after... I think it's fine to use each other as comfort so we can get into a better place first.

[As he said, at least in this case... Making love was really the most certain way that both of their insecurities could be alleved a bit. Him believing she could never love him again out of fear of what he did...and her believing he would not look at her the same because of her scars. They kept trying to say otherwise, but it was only through that act of love that the point could really be driven home.

Just like they are now, neither wanting to shy away from the other except out of their own insecurity about themselves. Each touch, each kiss, each caress—all of it carried what they really mean. What they really want. And that's each other.]

[starshower]

I just...

[His eyes meet hers, and Tifa feels herself giving way beneath the weight of everything that pools beneath them, and for a second, she finds herself at a loss for words and breath.

She doesn't wish to share that burden of guilt with him. If she could bear it alone silently, she would. She never meant for him to feel those things, or to worry that they might not be going about it the right way. If he wanted to use her for comfort, then she would let him, and she would give him everything if that was what it took for him to understand. If it meant carrying those doubts, she could do it.

But she doesn't have to. That's never the case with him. He's always right there with her, ready to lift her up when she feels like she might stumble and fall, and here he is again doing it even with his own burdens weighing down on him. Burdens that she wants to help bear...

They aren't so different in that way.

And the longer she looks at him, the more she begins to realize how lucky she truly is.]

I just... [She finally repeats again after what feels like an eternity.] I needed you to understand... I wouldn't leave you. That I don't see you differently. That I don't love you any less.

[And she's happy that she could tell him that in the ways she needed to.

She opens her mouth to say the words she's been wanting to for so long. "I'm sorry"... but she stops herself and closes it, settling for a light kiss instead.

Now that they're in that better place with fewer doubts lingering between them, then maybe...]

We really should talk about it. All of it...

[Tifa never meant to put it all behind them, or pretend it never happened. She wants to hear his thoughts, his fears, his worries... Everything that is going through his head when he isn't holding her close.]

[flamekthunder]

I know...and deep down I knew, but... Now I can really believe it. And the same is for you. [Another small kiss, this one carrying a bit more pressure and feeling behind it.] Don't ever think less of yourself...especially around me.

[He could continue, but........there is a very real risk that in the process they'll fall back into their trap.]

...But you're right. Let's...get up and get dressed.

[A wry grin.]

I doubt we'd get very far like this.

[starshower]

[One more kiss... that she quietly and shamelessly steals from him first, but even as he says it and she nods, Tifa holds onto him tighter.]

Just a little longer...?

[Just let her have this moment a little longer before they have to force themselves to face everything. She wants to take in as much of him as she can and give him what he needs in return before they leave the warmth, comfort, and safety of their bed.

She doesn't ask for very long, but she simply sits there with her arms around him, her face nuzzled against his chest, breathing in his scent, and listening to his steady heartbeat and the sound of his breathing, with her fingers brushing sleepy lines over his skin.

When they finally do get up and get dressed, Tifa in a cotton tank top and sorts, it's with his hand in hers that she tugs him along to the kitchen with her, never once letting him free from her grasp. Even as she washes some mixed berries and throws them into a bowl and brews them a fresh pot of coffee, or as she sets out food for Eria and Clover when they come back inside, she keeps his hands steady on her hips as she moves about, taking the bowl to the couch before returning for their drinks, all with Eustace in tow.

Until they finally settle on the couch together with their coffees in one hand, her fingers threading together with his with the other.

And now that they're here, Tifa doesn't even know where to start, so she buys herself some time to sip her coffee slowly, but her red eyes never leave him as she stares at him over the rim of the cup, watching him as intently as she has been all morning for any shift in mood.

Well, they have to start somewhere, and as she watches the two animals eat for the first time today, she turns back to Eustace, something else dawning on her.]

... The dogs. [They just... kind of left them with the others for the morning, didn't they?] You think they're okay?

[flamekthunder]

[A very soft smile as he muzzles the top of her head as she presses her against his chest.]

Of course.

[Regardless of what he said, he really would give her all the time in the world. As long as he had her he would do anything she wanted.

Though he is a little amused at how she clingy she is to him. He also wants to be close to her, but to want to hold his hand and make him hold her hips? The latter extremely dangerous given how sensitive they both still are, often tempting him to brush his lips against the nape of her neck and shoulders, and more often than not this hands slip around to the front of her waist.

Really this woman.

It's only because of what they just discussed that he manages to keep his resolve and not just pick her up to take her back to bed. Course what does that say about himself when he has so little restraint around her...?

He is also ignoring Eria's judging stare. Look they just went through a terrible ordeal and she is basically his wife already let him have this...!

When they finally reach the couch and he manages to sip his coffee, a small grimace flashes over his features.]

I was thinking about that... They should be in good hands, but we should pick them up soon.

[starshower]

[She knows Eria is there, and she is very aware that she is watching the two of them through judging eyes, but for once, Tifa ignores it.

She wants this closeness, and so she's going to take every single moment of it that she can while they have this peace and quiet, and before their home is filled with dogs. It isn't as though she's looking for anything more than just having him near her—although she is teasing him a bit when she sets his hands on her waist, but that's as far as she would let them go.

For now.

Tifa's lips pull into a tight line behind her cup.]

I'm sure they'll be happy to be home.

[Or one of their homes... but she does wonder how he's feeling about that. It wasn't just Tifa frozen in that cave, but the dogs that had come with them too. And then the others who had come all the way from town for them... It will be hard for them and for Eustace, she knows, and it will take some time for some of them to come around, but at least they'll be here. They'll be with them. And Tifa wants to help.]

[flamekthunder]

...I hope so.

[And there it is, a bit of gloom that covers the once sunny room. Although not storming, some clouds have turned gray above their home and drifted over, casting a few shadows here and there.

Eustace still vividly recalls how the dogs had tried to help, to make him see how wrong he had been. How he had callously frozen the ones who didn't move fast enough... And Briallen... When they got back, he could hear her whimpers, see her hiding from him.

Terrified.

His grip tightens on the cup handle and he hears a small crack on the ceramic. Looking down and seeing the crack, he quickly places it on the coffee table before he accidentally breaks it completely.]

[starshower]

[It's the crack that startles Tifa. She expected the clouds that rolled in, and the way the sun disappears behind them, and even the slight heat that buzzes around them, but his grip on the cup is the thing that surprises her so much that she instinctively flinches at the sound, and all of that tension that had left her in the recent hours has already started to come back.

But she takes a deep breath and offers his hand a squeeze, and as she shuffles along the couch to be closer to him, she can see Eria and Clover both approaching through the corner of her eye.]

They'll come around.

[This isn't an empty promise or an attempt to soothe him. It's something that she's absolutely sure of.]

They love you... and they know you love them. If you give them some time and be patient... they'll come around.

[Even Bri.]

[flamekthunder]

...I know.

[At least in his head. In his heart... He can't help but worry. Worry how that trust he had built with them could have fallen in matter of moments.

He glances down at her hand and gently squeezes it.]

...I suppose it's a good thing I can understand them now.

[At least that will help in the communication...even if it also makes it more heartbreaking.]

[starshower]

[Tifa intends to be there every step of the way through that. At least she could help mediate anything or offer them all some comfort while they overcome it. She doesn't know how they'll react to him besides what she saw that night before leaving Ori's, but from what she had seen... It could be hard on all of them for a while.

Still, she tries to offer him a smile when she feels his hand squeeze hers in return.]

Yeah. ... We'll figure it out.

[Not he. Not they. We. Because that's what families do, isn't it?

Silence falls between them again when she isn't quite sure how to follow up with that. They should be talking about it all, everything that happened, but all she wants to do is reach out and hold him. She shouldn't, but she aches for it, that want rippling through all the way into her fingertips as they curl and dig a little into his hand.

She almost does, but as if sensing that, Tifa feels something small drop into her lap. Clover mewls at Eria as she's picked up and placed there, but she happily rubs up against her affectionately, nudging her face up against Tifa's cup before she's forced to set it down.

....

......

Meanwhile, Eria is already starting to climb up into Eustace's, as if she were as small as Clover.......]

Wh—?!?

[flamekthunder]

[Eustace is feeling it, too. He's trying to keep his eyes on their hands, but they flit up to Tifa's every now and then, seeking that comfort she so easily brings him. Now that he's made aware of it, it's a little shameful yet at the same time, he can't bring himself to care too much about it. It's only natural to seek comfort when troubled and in grief. So like her, he's about to just lean over and pull her in when he first notices Clover being dropped into Tifa's lap.

...?

And then he feels Eria's paws on his knees and an all too familiar weight.]

Hey—wait, Eria!

[Of course the wolf doesn't listen, and in one easy bound she's upon in Eustace's lap, first sitting on it and rubbing her nose against his chin—because she would never lick how unrefined—and butting her head against him. Her tail thumps against his side as she continues to not so subtly PUSH him further away from Tifa, planting her fluffy white butt right in the space between them while the rest of her body drapes oh so magnificently on him.]

....................

[What the hell just happened.

And why does Eria look more pleased than the actual cat in the room???]

[starshower]

[Meanwhile, Clover is giving Eria her most catty, withering look before she's leaping up into Tifa's arms, and Tifa is staring between Eustace and the wolf in surprise.

What... is happening......?

But the moment she meets Eria's eyes, and she gives her the same whine she had given when they arrived home, after she encouraged her to go to him and talk, she thinks she understands what she's trying to say. Or maybe she's making this all up in her head... but they risk falling back into their habits. She had been close to doing it, and then they never would have talked about all the things they're meant to.

...]

I guess... now's a good time to talk.

[And there seems to be some note of satisfaction in the wolf's gaze.]

[flamekthunder]

[Eustace notices the silent exchange, frowning a little as he looks at the wolf. But rather than saying anything, Eria just looks at him first innocently and then with great disapproval before she closes her eyes and nestles her head against his chest. Aaah yes, just like old times.

With a sigh as he's starting to understand what's happening, he places an arm around Eria's back, fingers digging into the thick, soft fur to idly pet her.]

...So it seems. Where should we start?

[Because there is. A lot. Not only with the recent happenings, but also old things that were tied along with it.]

[starshower]

["Where should we start", as if it were that easy. There isn't anywhere to start, and then too many places to at the same time. Tifa, herself, has a lot of questions... a lot of things she wants to know so that she can understand him better, but feels to afraid to ask.

But that's why they're doing this, isn't it? Because if they don't set aside the time for it or prepare themselves to talk about it, then they won't. She knows them well enough to know that old habits die hard, and they are very much the type of people who will seek comfort in each other and be content with that.

When they shouldn't be... She gets that.

Tifa cradles Clover carefully against her chest and gives her a scratch behind her ears, and she immediately closes her eyes and begins to purr.]

What...? [With some trepidation, she starts, and it's clear she's already tiptoeing.] ... What can I ask?

[flamekthunder]

[He can understand her own hesitation. Anything could be a ticking time bomb, but... They need to do this. So he just shakes his head.]

Whatever is on your mind.

[starshower]

[...

She's going to reach out and take his hand again just so that they have each other's. It's a small gesture, but a big comfort to even just be touching as they talk about it.

She takes a breath, and then another as her thumb carefully traces circles over the back of his hand.]

What... what was it like?

[It's such a loaded question and there are so many things it could mean, but it's really the one thing that encompasses everything she wants to know.

Another squeeze of his hand...]

What was... going through your mind at the time?

[flamekthunder]

[That.......that is definitely a loaded question and his hand tightens over hers for a moment.]

...Which... From the beginning or...?

[He remembers it all even if he'd rather not.]

[starshower]

[She swallows, a lump in her throat forming.]

I... I guess so...

[Tifa doesn't actually know for sure when or what it is she's searching for. Just some understanding, so...]

That's probably the easiest, yeah...? Wh-whatever you're comfortable with?

[flamekthunder]

...

[How to even begin...]

Anger. Frustration. Desperation.

[That's what he starts with—the feelings that had overwhelmed him in that moment.]

The moment I saw you struck down, all sense of reasoning left me. I had to save you, and the only way I knew how was... [...To freeze her. In fairness, it was in part because that's how he knows how to use dreamotion to heal, but then it just went so much further.]

...Looking back, I could have just sealed the wound and wrote for help—or make a makeshift sled to bring you back... But the thought of your life slipping away... [His eyes shut tightly.] It was too much.

Maybe whatever nightmare energy I already had at that point fed off my emotions. But with the lindwurms still attacking and being reminded of that time... [Surely he doesn't need to specify which "time" he's talking about.] I just wanted to destroy it all. Get rid of everything that hurt you...hurt us.

[He can't look at her, the grip on her hand loosening.]

After that... I was tired. Tired of having to go through this over and over again. I just wanted to share that peace and quiet with you...the dogs... So I carried you all with me... Finding a place where no one could find us. A place I could keep you safe...

[He stares out the window, all light now gone as the room is heavy with gloom.]

It was a foolish fantasy born from my own selfish, twisted desires.

[starshower]

[She keeps her hold on his hand, tightens her fingers as his own slips away, but as he moves his gaze to the window, to the hanging branches that rustle and sway in the cool wind, Tifa keeps her eyes fixed on him. The air feels heavy, but she remains steady, sturdy, for him as she listens patiently.

Her throat tightens again at the mention of the lindwurms, and there's the slightest twitch of her fingers and the furrow of her brow. They will never be anything but a reminder of her failure—failure to save him the one time, and the other to protect herself. Even the one he transformed into in that nightmare was just another that reiterated her same worries... That she wouldn't be able to pull him free from that.

But she did... And they are here now, together. That should be enough, shouldn't it?

These nightmares really love to feed off their feelings for one another...

The silence that follows when he finishes is almost unbearable, and she wonders if it feels the same for him, too... but Tifa is sorting through her own thoughts, her own feelings on the matter. She feels no malice or anger towards him, nor does she blame him for any of what happened, but trying to find the right words that don't sound like empty clichés is difficult sometimes...]

It's not foolish. Or selfish.

[Well, it isn't a great start, she thinks, but she needed him to know that.]

If it were me... I don't think I'd know what to do. I'd want to find you someplace safe... maybe even try to save you myself.

[That's not something she wants to think about either.]

I think... I'd be tired, too.

[flamekthunder]

[Her words do ring hollow, but it's no fault of her own. It's just him naturally rejecting it. A part of him will rationalize, but it will still be difficult to accept.

With that in mind, he finally looks at her, that weariness and exhaustion evident.]

Are you sure you're not tired of me already?

[starshower]

What...?

[Her eyes go wide, and her mouth falls open, the question taking her by surprise. There's that sinking feeling in her stomach again, and she fears, suddenly, if she hasn't been making herself or her intentions clear enough for him.]

Is that... were you worried that I would be?

[flamekthunder]

[A small, wane smile, as if he knows what she's thinking.]

You've made yourself clear, and I don't doubt the sincerity. But it would be a lie to say it didn't exist.

[He looks away again.]

Maybe not now... Maybe not next time... But I'm not the only one who has been suffering. And sometimes I wonder if you would have been better off if not for me.

[It's a dark, depressing thought, made worse by how calmly he's talking about it. As if it's not the first time it's popped into his head.

But five times.

Five times they've been through this.

And then there were other times where she's had to help him.

Really, it's not so strange for him to wonder if he was somehow cursed. And it's not so strange to believe it with the kind of world they live in.]

[starshower]

[...

Tifa would be lying if she said that hearing that didn't pain her. She'd be lying if she said it didn't make her a little frustrated, even angry, that the idea that she would be tired of him or that she would have been better off without him ever crossed his mind. She doesn't realize how much she's frowning or how intense her gaze is until she remembers to breathe, and tries to go to him...

......

Only to remember that there's a cat and a wolf in the way of her going to him. Showing him that isn't the case.

She has no choice but to shrink back away from him and hold Clover close instead... although the cat seems to sense that something is wrong and stretches so that she can rub her face against Tifa's chin, purring all the while. It helps, but it does very little to make that feeling go away.]

That hurts...

[Her voice is as small as she looks now, like she's been kicked down.]

I know it isn't easy... all of this? But... [Suddenly, it becomes harder to form words.] Don't I know better than anyone what's best for me? Don't I get a say in that?

[flamekthunder]

[It does hurt him hearing it, knowing he made her feel that way.

And she's right.]

I know. And I know I would be saying the same things if our places were switched.

[A haggard sigh as he runs a hand over his face and through his hair, half slouching over.]

But I can't...seem to shake it off. I even tried to call off the wedding because of this.