closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

[...

....?

This has Tifa lifting her head, and then sitting up as far as he'll let her.

The turn this conversation has taken... Here she was trying to comfort him, and of course, he finds a way to turn it around to offer it to her. Although she isn't quite sure what to think about this yet. Such few words are enough to stir up a complicated mess of emotions in her—none that are necessarily bad, but she wonders...]

Eustace...

[His name escapes her quietly.]

I... how? Is there a way?

[flamekthunder]

...I don't know.

[A small exhale as he looks at her, rising as well so they are on even level.]

But there must be. We already know the fae have lived in this world before our arrival last year. While some come through dreams, others were brought on as if directly transported, like the corgis.

The tapirs have told us we are just fragments of ourselves and are still connected to our original bodies back in our world. That is the link that allows us to "leave" this place to return.

But what if we destroy that connection? Or at least change it so that we have a choice instead of leaving without warning.

[Again he recalls that conversation with Oriphi and Diluc. How he had been supportive, but cautious. There are a lot of risks, not only to themselves but to others if that kind of knowledge is abused. Back then he thought it would be fine to just leave it to others so he could focus on nightmare energy and other problems, but now he can't.

He needs to be more involved and help find that answer for her. For them.]

[starshower]

[Destroy the connection...

She hasn't done it herself, but for others who have returned to their own worlds, they've at least confirmed that their lives carried on regardless. That this dreamworld and their homes were two different things, connected only via their dream selves... or that's how she understood it. Her worry was—is that if she stayed, her real self back on Gaia wouldn't be there to continue their fight that she promised she would see through to the end. That she wants to see through to its end...

But...

As she looks at Eustace, hears the conviction in his voice, it becomes harder to feel that draw back to it. It becomes harder to think of her life on Gaia without him... Even if her waking self wouldn't remember him, she still couldn't live with feeling like there was always something missing.

Still, before she gives him an answer, she needs to be sure... Although, the question is strained along with her voice, like she's on the verge of tears again.]

What will happen to us when you do? ... I mean, the us in our worlds?

[flamekthunder]

...I can't say for certain.

[Another admittance.]

However, we've already been in multiple worlds without our real self ever knowing. I've been to at least three even though I only remember Camelot and this one. Others have similar experiences. And when I "woke up" back in my world I was completely unaware of any of them.

I don't think anything negative would happen.

...However.

[He purses his lips. True to form, he's already given this entire thing some thought.]

...There is the possibility that if the connection is broken, then it's our current selves in this world that are at risk.

[starshower]

[That's what she figured.

She doesn't even know if she went home at any point in between Camelot and here, and if she did, had her real self even noticed?

If not, then it isn't important to her here. What is, is the man sitting in front of her, who is searching for ways to tether them to this world. Together. It makes her heart ache for him. Had it been the time they spent away from each other, and her pain that came from it that spurred all of this on? Or had he been feeling it all along, too...?

Hurting and fearing quietly every single moment they spent apart, like she had been?

And now all of this...

It's Tifa's turn to take his hand, in a firmer grip this time.]

...Even if that's the case...

[Even if there is some risk that their current selves might be affected in some way...]

Let me help. I don't... I can't let you do all this alone.

[flamekthunder]

[If it's anything, it's everything. The thought had always been on the back of his mind, but the moonscape especially made him start thinking with his last dream deepening it. And now... There's no more room for trying to be accommodating around the world.

The world is what needs to change.

At her words, there's a small, breathy laugh—the first since this descent to hell started.]

I knew you would say that. But it won't be just us.

[His thumb gently circles over her palm.]

Oriphi and Diluc are also thinking of similar ways.

[starshower]

[His thumb circles over her palm, and hers reaches up to brush at his face, across his cheek until it's resting in his hair near the base of his ears. She's looking at him—really looking at him, perhaps more intently than she means to. In that moment, as he breathes that soft laugh of his and it practically sings in her ears, she realizes that no matter what happens... if they can find a way to keep their souls—their dream selves anchored to this world, then she would do anything to make it happen.

Her other self could continue to go about her life without a clue in the world... Maybe she dreams of it sometimes, maybe she wonders what it's all about, maybe she sees a man she's drawn to but can't quite put her finger on why.

There are a hundred maybes in that world, but only one sure thing in this one.

Tifa's breath catches, and she lets herself fall into him, seeking out his embrace again.]

Then... I'm sure between all of us, we could...

[Seeking out his warmth...]

I don't think I could stand it if I... lost you again...

[And by the same token, she doesn't want him to be thrown back into the depths and fires of grief because he had lost her. That's what all of this has been about, hasn't it?]

[flamekthunder]

[He closes his eyes as he hugs her close to him, giving her all the warmth she needs.]

I won't let it happen... Not without a fight. And for you, too...

[He half opens his eyes to meet hers.]

...This... The nightmares... They will happen again. But I won't let it get to me. I'll take control of it.

[starshower]

The nightmares...

[She repeats the words slowly, quietly, as her gaze moves to meet his.]

I know they'll happen again, but... that's all they are.

[The moment they close their eyes and allow themselves to drift off, they'll be haunted by them again, but as long as they remember that, then they're the ones who will win against them.]

Just nightmares...

[Tifa leans in and brushes her warm lips gently over his, to remind him of where he really is. Another sort of anchor to this world, and not the shadows that threaten him.]

This is where you are. And I'll be here, okay?

... If I have anything to say about it, you're not fighting anything alone.

[flamekthunder]

I know.... You'll never allow me to be alone again.

[Another wry grin as he brushes his lips against hers before taking them into a kiss of his own.]

...And I won't leave you, either.

[starshower]

[She returns it in kind, both the kiss and the grin, although hers a little sheepish and lopsided. She'd felt so ashamed about being so worried, so insecure, so anxious about him leaving that Tifa never told him how she felt. She would just force it all down every time they parted ways, even if it would be short. That's how it had been the first time that even running to the kitchen and leaving him in bed would make her gut twist, but she would resist the urge to check up on him.

But knowing that he feels the same about her...

At least they can navigate these feelings together.

She takes him by the hand and wraps his arm securely around her waist.]

Then come with me... We don't have to be apart right now.

[flamekthunder]

...All right.

[He says.



But instead he lowers himself and buries his face against her chest. It's in part to tease her a little, but more importantly...he just wants to listen to her heartbeat one more time. Kiss her scars one more time.]

[starshower]

[She doesn't protest, doesn't push him or move away, but instead, welcomes it with a soft hum and an even softer laugh. She never minds when he rests there. She prefers it, actually, as she feels him move his lips over her scars and her eyes instinctively flutter shut, encourages him with fingers carding affectionately through his hair and kisses the tips of his ears.

Some short amount of time goes by before she gently nudges at him. Not enough to shove him off, but hopefully enough to get his attention in that "time to get up" sort of way.]

Eustace...

[flamekthunder]

Mmm...

[Nope he is still comfortable. So much so he could fall asleep like this.]

[starshower]

[...

Tifa bites down on her lip, stifling the smile she can feel spreading and the giggle she knows will come with it, and she wraps both arms around him to press his face further into her.]

Well, you're welcome to stay like this if you think you can manage on the way to the kitchen...

[Is she challenging him? Maybe. But already, her heart feels lighter. This is the exact sort of thing they both need right now. A brief respite from all the other things that still hang over their heads that she knows they will have to get to soon.

For now, a breather...]

[flamekthunder]

[A breather when she could be suffocating him—

He just chuckles a little at that his nose nuzzling against her skin as things remain chaste... Until his lips start to move.]

...And if I convince you to stay...

[And there are his teeth, lightly grazing against her soft flesh before nipping at her, his hands now at her hips.]

[starshower]

[This sly, sly wolf.

She can't help the noise that escapes her or the light rock of her hips, and he almost makes a very convincing case. He could convince her to stay, and they could just lay in bed for the remainder of the afternoon, spend it in each other's arms and company. Honestly? Tifa would love nothing more than to give in to the whims of passion again, give in to that warmth that only he can provide that will help chase the shadows still lingering away.

But there are other things—other responsibilities—that she realizes they need to tend to. A certain cat and wolf duo are likely hoping for some food...

...

And if they don't get up now, she doesn't think they ever will.

Tifa teases him with another roll of her hips in his hands, and a kiss to his ear, but she's already trying to wriggle playfully out of his arms.]

Then we'll never get up. Like I said, you can stay where you are... as long as you come with me.

[flamekthunder]

[It's not as if he's forgotten. Although it was a little tempting, he knows there are 14 named responsibilities waiting for them, 9 of which will be in this house... Though that may be why he wants to cling onto her while the time alone lasts.

...And perhaps as an excuse so that the lingering shadows don't creep back in.

Of course, that isn't fair to Tifa nor does he want to turn everything into some desperate escape, even if she might feel the same. So he just breathes against her skin, the hot air warming her lightly bruised skin as his hands tighten their hold to keep her to him. He'll give up and let her go, but he wants to tease her just a little more.]

Wouldn't it be difficult for you to move?

[His mouth is definitely wandering now.]

[starshower]

[Even if she does try to free herself, and even if he does let her go, she doesn't go far, nor will she protest to his wayward lips finding more places to kiss and tease. She encourages him with the slight arch of her back, savouring the feeling for as long as she can.]

Not at all.

[It's said with a whisper in his ears, her breath tickling the fur there.]

Just move with me.

[It might be a little difficult, but she's not too inclined to let go of him either.]

[flamekthunder]

I think we'd have more luck if I carried you.

[Another low chuckle as a hand slides up her waist...but just as he's palming the underside of her breast, ready to take in more of her, he pauses. He had been ready to actually let her go so that they get up and move forward, but instead he's keeping her here with him. It was partly to tease, but...it would be a lie to say a part didn't have a genuine desire to trap her here. It didn't even necessarily have to be sexual, it's just...how things usually ended up with them. Whether it's on a calm day or there's some emotional backdrop, it doesn't take much to stoke those unbridled flames of passions.

And it's always been mutual—or at least, it's always felt like it. The eagerness they both share to connect with one another in the most intimate ways, never feeling satisfied until they're completely spent. Even then it's as if they're always starving for each other, ready to latch on and never wanting to let go.

Now he wonders—]

...Is it wrong that I want you so much?

[Said in another time in another context, those words could have been seductive, a passionate confession to heighten the mood. Yet his voice is quiet, questioning...uncertain.

And he finally pulls away just enough so that he can lift his head and properly look at her in the eye, hand slipping down to her side.

What they're doing, how they are...at first glance no, it's not wrong. However, if it's all born from that insecurity and vulnerability of losing each other... ....It's not so wrong, either, but perhaps... If it's like now, he isn't consciously trying to use it as an escape, but...isn't it still resulting the same? Is he...unintentionally using her? He honestly doesn't care if that is the case for her, if she wants to use him that way. He'd gladly give it, but... Is it the same for her?]

...Are you forcing yourself?

[Does she feel as if she needs to comply to his "demands" for his own comfort?]

[starshower]

[She feels that shift ripple through their room, with its center right at her heart. Tifa had been prepared to crawl back beneath the covers and to drag him with her, but his words and the sudden weight behind them, and him hesitating and pulling back from her... The distance that it puts there, however small, is enough to allow some of that warmth to slip away, and it becomes harder still to hold onto it when she hears the wavering in his voice.

Harder when the realization sinks in that he is feeling and wondering the same things she has since they first kissed earlier that morning.

She felt guilty for it. Deep down, beneath the bliss that eclipsed everything else, there was that part of her that wondered, too, if what they were doing was right. If they should be indulging in one another like this. She wondered if they were just running away or using this comfort to help ease the pain in the moment before it all comes roaring back like the relentless storm that it is. It's clear that he wants it, and she had made sure that he did, and to show that she does, too...

Which is why his questions make her heart sink.]

Forcing...?

[There's a stretch of silence that follows, but the lightness of the moment is dwindled, and she's probably to blame with how heavy her expression becomes.]

No, I'm not.

[She looks him straight in the eye as she says it, even if it suddenly feels harder to do.]

But... [Her brow furrows with worry, as the next words come slowly, and to make sure that he knows she doesn't want to let him go, she wraps her arms around him again.] I did think about... if it was right for us to do this.

[flamekthunder]

[Fortunately, although her thoughts are similar to his, it's actually relieving. Relieving to know that even in their worries, they're on the same page. So there's just a small sigh of relief that helps lessen some of the tension that had grown and he pulls himself up so that he's more eye level with her, forehead touching hers.]

...People handle and express pain in different ways... This may be just how we handle ours—and I'm not really against it as long as it's mutual.

[Which it fortunately has been. ...And really of the various ways they could let go of their emotions, this is probably one of the better ways all things considered.

While one hand remains at her side, the other rises up to gently brush her cheek.]

I just...don't want you to feel as if I'm using you... Regardless of the why's, everything I do is out of my love for you.

[In other words, he's not seeking the sex just for the sex. It's only with her, and it's only because he can make that deep, intimate connection with her. In a way it's healing, but...there's still the big question of whether it's right.]

But I think...where it could go wrong is if despite everything, we still ignore the underlying problem.

[Which...................................it hasn't been a perfect record. They're usually better about communicating things between and after each act, but there may have been a couple of times the main underlying issue still remained unaddressed, their love actually getting in the way and disguising the main problem. They'll think they're in a better position, but maybe it was just a temporary fix.]

[starshower]

[The return of that closeness is a relief. Tifa had, for a moment, been afraid that she had done something to upset him or to trigger the thought, so when his forehead meets hers, she closes her eyes and sighs along with him.

As he continues though, she feels that familiar pull on her heart—the kind that makes it ache and hurt with guilt. Not simply because he had been feeling this way, but because it was a shared thing between the two of them, and neither of them thought to say it until he finally did. She should have known better... Should have seen the signs earlier, or maybe just not pushed him to let her in at all until they had figured it all out, but...

This, right here—the physical touch, this closeness and intimacy is their language. Their way of telling one another and reiterating their feelings when those words are difficult to form.

She shakes her head, and she does lean up to sneak in a kiss, wanting to capture those thoughts away from him.]

I never thought that. I... I wanted all of this, too. I'm not the greatest with words, but I needed you to know that I'm here, that I love you. No matter what. Saying it just... it didn't feel like it was enough.

[They never are to truly convey the depth of her feelings for him. She could wax poetic for days about it, write poems and music and shout them all from the rooftops so he would understand, but it never felt enough for her.

It never would be.

It's too deep to simply spin a few nice-sounding sentences together to tell him how much she means it all.

...

....]

But you're right.

[As much as she hates to admit it, she felt like they were running away from the real problems this time. Tifa knew they would have to face them eventually and was happy to put off the inevitable for just a little longer. To savour the warmth and the relief and happiness and love that came with it...]

I thought about that, too. I wondered if I should feel guilty about it. Like I was trying to run away from it... [Quickly, realizing how that sounds, she adds on:] That's not the case, though. I wasn't doing it for that.

[Case in point: she's not good with words when it comes to her own feelings.]

[flamekthunder]

[He feels that similar ache, the thought of her feeling guilty and him indulging and accepting in it as well. Eustace never really thinks about it given how mature Tifa is, but there are times when he remembers that he's the older one in this relationship—much older—and while he's still new at it all, too, he should at least try and help look out for the both of them just as she does.

Yet even so, again there is a bit of comfort knowing that once again, even in this they seem to be on the same page. So he just lightly nuzzles her, fingertips gently caressing her cheek as he gives a slight shake of his head.]

Don't. If you do, you'll have to keep in mind that I share in that guilt.

[There's a soft, wane smile as his eyes reach hers.]

And... Given everything, I don't think it's so inexcusable that we end up taking this path. Especially now...with what happened... Like you, I prefer action over words.... And I can always feel your sincerity and reassurance through it.

[A small, light kiss.]

As long as we continue the dialogue after... I think it's fine to use each other as comfort so we can get into a better place first.

[As he said, at least in this case... Making love was really the most certain way that both of their insecurities could be alleved a bit. Him believing she could never love him again out of fear of what he did...and her believing he would not look at her the same because of her scars. They kept trying to say otherwise, but it was only through that act of love that the point could really be driven home.

Just like they are now, neither wanting to shy away from the other except out of their own insecurity about themselves. Each touch, each kiss, each caress—all of it carried what they really mean. What they really want. And that's each other.]

[starshower]

I just...

[His eyes meet hers, and Tifa feels herself giving way beneath the weight of everything that pools beneath them, and for a second, she finds herself at a loss for words and breath.

She doesn't wish to share that burden of guilt with him. If she could bear it alone silently, she would. She never meant for him to feel those things, or to worry that they might not be going about it the right way. If he wanted to use her for comfort, then she would let him, and she would give him everything if that was what it took for him to understand. If it meant carrying those doubts, she could do it.

But she doesn't have to. That's never the case with him. He's always right there with her, ready to lift her up when she feels like she might stumble and fall, and here he is again doing it even with his own burdens weighing down on him. Burdens that she wants to help bear...

They aren't so different in that way.

And the longer she looks at him, the more she begins to realize how lucky she truly is.]

I just... [She finally repeats again after what feels like an eternity.] I needed you to understand... I wouldn't leave you. That I don't see you differently. That I don't love you any less.

[And she's happy that she could tell him that in the ways she needed to.

She opens her mouth to say the words she's been wanting to for so long. "I'm sorry"... but she stops herself and closes it, settling for a light kiss instead.

Now that they're in that better place with fewer doubts lingering between them, then maybe...]

We really should talk about it. All of it...

[Tifa never meant to put it all behind them, or pretend it never happened. She wants to hear his thoughts, his fears, his worries... Everything that is going through his head when he isn't holding her close.]