closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

[Tifa, too, wonders again if what they're doing is wrong. If she should feel guilty when they're both so vulnerable, but she never feels more alive than she's with him like this, reaffirming every promise they've ever made to one another in the purest, sincerest way possible. Words of reassurance are one thing, but to feel his heart beating along with hers, to feel the heat that rises from their skin... She can at least be sure that they are both there. Alive. With each other as completely as possible.

She hardly dozes off, but as the early afternoon rays hit, she finds herself growing more relaxed. More content again. She won't sleep—she can't, even if she wished to, she isn't sure that she wants to. Things are better here, and she knows that the moment she falls, it will be hard to claw herself free from the nightmares that will follow.

Even when she closes her eyes, she's terrified of the dark, so she focuses instead on the light brush of his fingertips over her back. The sound of his calm breaths. The feel of the sun as it shines through the window to light up her skin. She lays there, eyes blinking slowly and sleepily with a lazy smile as she turns to look up at him, her hair tumbling over her shoulder and her back.]

... We should get up.

[Although she doesn't look like she's ready to, and makes no effort to move.]

[flamekthunder]

Mmm...

[He also doesn't want to get up quite yet, but he does realize something.]

...You haven't eaten since yesterday.

[starshower]

[Tifa's lips press into a thin line as that same realization dawns on her.]

I know.

[Her voice is soft, and a touch sad when she realizes, too, that she isn't even sure that she's hungry for food. So much has happened that eating has been the last thing on her mind. Except now that it is, it isn't even her that she's worried about.]

... You haven't either. [And she rises up on her elbows now.] I can go make you something.

[flamekthunder]

[Eustace watches her and there's the natural inclination to pull her back to him. There have certainly been countless times when various meals have been delayed by his greed like this. But this time, rather than out of indulgence he just doesn't like the idea of separating from her just yet. It's irrational, he knows, but it can't be helped given what they just went through.

That and...]

...I'm not that hungry.

[...And despite wanting to not be so selfish and weak, he does end up reaching out to pull her back again, that little bit of distance already too cold for him.]

[starshower]

[She obliges, slipping back into his arms without any protest besides the worried furrow of her brow. If anyone needs to eat something, it's him, but she isn't sure that she wants to push it. Tifa gets it—they have been through a lot, and her stomach still twists into knots every time she lets her mind wander elsewhere besides the pull his warmth has, and how nice it feels to be back at home with him...

But...]

How are you feeling right now?

[flamekthunder]

[He quickly wraps his arms around her as if to keep her in place as he contemplates how to express his current state.]

...Better.

[It's the best he could really say. And it is true that he's calmed and stabilized compared to how he had been when they first came home. The dream... As horrific and terrifying as it had been, her not rejecting him at that time really did help at least start on that long road to recovery.]

[starshower]

[Well, that's a good sign at least, even if she hadn't really been expecting a different answer. The last thing she wants to do is ruin all of this, to take away this comfort, but she also wants to make sure that she takes care of him.]

You know you're going to have to eat eventually...

[Tifa curls up closer into him.]

... Everything else, too. Let me at least go get you something.

[flamekthunder]

[The moment she suggests leaving his body reacts, tensing as his fingers tighten their grip on her. But he quickly realizes his behavior and just as sudden as it happens, he loosens his grip, mentally sighing and reprimanding himself. He can't be acting like this, she'll think it worse than it really is...]

It's not just me. You need to eat as well.

[starshower]

[She really does think it's worse than it really is... or is it actually this bad?

When he loosens his grip on her, Tifa pulls back just far enough to look at him, and to slip her hand between them so that she can press it to his cheek and brush the hair out of his eyes. Even under the rays of the afternoon sun, she can still see the hurt lingering behind them.]

Eustace.

[Her voice is firm, seeking, but patient.]

What is it?

[flamekthunder]

[His hair has always acted like a kind of shield, hiding his weaknesses. Mostly physical, but at times emotional as well. It's not as if he deliberately chose it with all that in mind, but that's how it ended up becoming. So when she pushes back his hair and looks at him so directly and intently, he can feel himself waver, feel more exposed and vulnerable. However, although he stiffens a bit and his gaze shifts away, he doesn't pull away. Regardless how discomforting it is at first, her hand is also comforting.]

...It's nothing.

[He knows full well that's not convincing at all, but he's not sure he knows how to say what it is, either.]

[starshower]

[She might have left it at that, wouldn't have pushed if he hadn't stiffened or turned his gaze away from hers the moment they met, and Tifa lifts herself up on an elbow again so that she's over him, her hair draping over their faces as if to shield them both behind the curtain of black.]

It's not nothing.

[There are mornings when he would pull her back into bed with him and they would lay there together for hours before finally getting up for their breakfast, but this isn't one of those days. This isn't light-hearted or fun, but there's something looming behind his actions that she needs him to voice...

And maybe, it's the same thing she feels when she's apart from him, even like this...

Tifa just wants to understand. Wants to help...]

[flamekthunder]

[He remains silent for several moments before he finally sighs, eyes closing on defeat.]

...It's not...

["Serious" is what he wants to say, but maybe he's the one taking it too lightly as he rationally knows he shouldn't be like this, but emotionally...]

...I'm...

[WOW this really is a lot harder to voice and admit than he thought.

.............]

....I still have...fears of you disappearing.

[Which given how he is the one who has actually left her, he might not should be the one to talk. On the other hand, his version of "disappearing" is more to her getting hurt and dying.]

...If you're not in my hands... I feel nervous.

[Afraid.

Another deep exhale as he feels weak and almost ashamed that he's been driven to this point.]

[starshower]

[She allows him the time he needs to work it out, her fingers lightly and patiently stroking back his hair while she listens. It is a bit strange to see him rendered so speechless like this, to be unable to voice his thoughts as he usually does, but not at all surprising, given what he went through and what he saw. He's so steady, calm, collected all the time... but now, he reminds her of a small, lost, terrified puppy, and it breaks her heart and makes her chest ache for him.

His own heart is so battered and bruised, and she wants to hold it, and show it the care and love that he always deserves.

...

There's silence that follows his answer. It's not tense—at least, not for her—but it's a moment for her to collect those thoughts, as if she's picking them up like glass that's shattered on the floor. Carefully.

She wants to ask him "why"... Why does he feel nervous when she's not right here with him? But it's a stupid question, and one she already knows the answer to, so she refrains from forcing that out of him by asking.

More than that, she feels the same, but had swallowed it all down so that she could better take care of him. Give him everything he needs...]

I promise I'm not going anywhere...

[Her forehead falls to meet his, and she brushes the tips of their noses together.]

... You know, I'm scared of that, too.

[flamekthunder]

[There's a small flicker of pain and guilt as another sigh escapes him.]

...I know.

[They don't talk about it much given that it's not something they would want to, but he knows how heartbreaking it was for Tifa when he disappeared on her—twice at that. But he does wonder if they—he—might have brushed past it too soon. Moved on from it too soon.

He slowly reaches out to touch her hand, fingertips sliding over hers for a tentative hold.]

Is it as bad as this?

[He has a feeling he knows the answer, but he wants to hear Tifa express herself.]

Back then...how bad was it for you?

[starshower]

[Tifa is a bit surprised by the question and looks the part as she stares down at him, and the way her fingers tense beneath his. She tries not to think about it, about their time apart or the inescapable ends. She's not sure she'll ever heal from either of those times, and just like this will continue to be a struggle for him that he'll take with him wherever he goes, it's still one for her.

There's a long, quiet pause that follows.]

It was, yeah. ... It still is.

[Whether that makes him feel better or not, she has no idea, but he doesn't know any of this, does he? She's never talked about or mentioned it. Maybe she's let it show in the lingering kisses and touches, but never like this.

She never intended to voice these worries, but she wants him to know that he isn't alone in feeling them.]

When you came back, I was afraid to even let you out of my sight. And now...

[This is so embarrassing, and she edges her gaze away in shame.]

Even now, I still get scared. Whenever you leave, there's that part of me that worries... that you aren't going to come back.

[flamekthunder]

[There's a sharp intake of breath at her confession. In some ways he should have known or been a little more cognizant it it. But perhaps he had started to forget with how things had been with them lately. Has he been too complacent? Too focused on other things to not notice what was right in front of him?

And the worst part?

He can't promise her anything.

Promise that he'll always return to her or that he won't leave her again. Can't reassure her of anything. Only in Camelot was he able to at least leave her a message goodbye, spend those last moments filled with love, even if he lied to her. Here? He can't prepare.

It's then that he remembers his talk with Oriphi and Diluc. How the thought had also passed through his mind before but he didn't think too much of it.

...Dare he voice them now?

Dare he give her such a false hope?

Would it bring any source of comfort for her?

...]

...I'll find a way.

[His arms tighten around her as he takes the risk.]

[starshower]

Huh—?

[Tifa's head falls to his shoulder when he grips her tighter and for a moment, she only lays there, surprised by his words as she tries to make sense of them. But although her heart is quickening, racing at the prospect of what they could mean, her body relaxes.]

... Find a way for what?

[When it comes to him, it could mean anything, and he's always found a way to do it all.]

[flamekthunder]

For us to stay here, in this world.

[He had been wavering a little at first, but as he speaks more resolve and strength come with his words. Conviction smolders in his eyes, pushing aside the doubts. Yes, if he is being realistic it might not be possible or, more likely it's not figured out before it's too late for them. But he has to try.

...And knowing her, she'll want to be there with him every step of the way.]

[starshower]

[...

....?

This has Tifa lifting her head, and then sitting up as far as he'll let her.

The turn this conversation has taken... Here she was trying to comfort him, and of course, he finds a way to turn it around to offer it to her. Although she isn't quite sure what to think about this yet. Such few words are enough to stir up a complicated mess of emotions in her—none that are necessarily bad, but she wonders...]

Eustace...

[His name escapes her quietly.]

I... how? Is there a way?

[flamekthunder]

...I don't know.

[A small exhale as he looks at her, rising as well so they are on even level.]

But there must be. We already know the fae have lived in this world before our arrival last year. While some come through dreams, others were brought on as if directly transported, like the corgis.

The tapirs have told us we are just fragments of ourselves and are still connected to our original bodies back in our world. That is the link that allows us to "leave" this place to return.

But what if we destroy that connection? Or at least change it so that we have a choice instead of leaving without warning.

[Again he recalls that conversation with Oriphi and Diluc. How he had been supportive, but cautious. There are a lot of risks, not only to themselves but to others if that kind of knowledge is abused. Back then he thought it would be fine to just leave it to others so he could focus on nightmare energy and other problems, but now he can't.

He needs to be more involved and help find that answer for her. For them.]

[starshower]

[Destroy the connection...

She hasn't done it herself, but for others who have returned to their own worlds, they've at least confirmed that their lives carried on regardless. That this dreamworld and their homes were two different things, connected only via their dream selves... or that's how she understood it. Her worry was—is that if she stayed, her real self back on Gaia wouldn't be there to continue their fight that she promised she would see through to the end. That she wants to see through to its end...

But...

As she looks at Eustace, hears the conviction in his voice, it becomes harder to feel that draw back to it. It becomes harder to think of her life on Gaia without him... Even if her waking self wouldn't remember him, she still couldn't live with feeling like there was always something missing.

Still, before she gives him an answer, she needs to be sure... Although, the question is strained along with her voice, like she's on the verge of tears again.]

What will happen to us when you do? ... I mean, the us in our worlds?

[flamekthunder]

...I can't say for certain.

[Another admittance.]

However, we've already been in multiple worlds without our real self ever knowing. I've been to at least three even though I only remember Camelot and this one. Others have similar experiences. And when I "woke up" back in my world I was completely unaware of any of them.

I don't think anything negative would happen.

...However.

[He purses his lips. True to form, he's already given this entire thing some thought.]

...There is the possibility that if the connection is broken, then it's our current selves in this world that are at risk.

[starshower]

[That's what she figured.

She doesn't even know if she went home at any point in between Camelot and here, and if she did, had her real self even noticed?

If not, then it isn't important to her here. What is, is the man sitting in front of her, who is searching for ways to tether them to this world. Together. It makes her heart ache for him. Had it been the time they spent away from each other, and her pain that came from it that spurred all of this on? Or had he been feeling it all along, too...?

Hurting and fearing quietly every single moment they spent apart, like she had been?

And now all of this...

It's Tifa's turn to take his hand, in a firmer grip this time.]

...Even if that's the case...

[Even if there is some risk that their current selves might be affected in some way...]

Let me help. I don't... I can't let you do all this alone.

[flamekthunder]

[If it's anything, it's everything. The thought had always been on the back of his mind, but the moonscape especially made him start thinking with his last dream deepening it. And now... There's no more room for trying to be accommodating around the world.

The world is what needs to change.

At her words, there's a small, breathy laugh—the first since this descent to hell started.]

I knew you would say that. But it won't be just us.

[His thumb gently circles over her palm.]

Oriphi and Diluc are also thinking of similar ways.

[starshower]

[His thumb circles over her palm, and hers reaches up to brush at his face, across his cheek until it's resting in his hair near the base of his ears. She's looking at him—really looking at him, perhaps more intently than she means to. In that moment, as he breathes that soft laugh of his and it practically sings in her ears, she realizes that no matter what happens... if they can find a way to keep their souls—their dream selves anchored to this world, then she would do anything to make it happen.

Her other self could continue to go about her life without a clue in the world... Maybe she dreams of it sometimes, maybe she wonders what it's all about, maybe she sees a man she's drawn to but can't quite put her finger on why.

There are a hundred maybes in that world, but only one sure thing in this one.

Tifa's breath catches, and she lets herself fall into him, seeking out his embrace again.]

Then... I'm sure between all of us, we could...

[Seeking out his warmth...]

I don't think I could stand it if I... lost you again...

[And by the same token, she doesn't want him to be thrown back into the depths and fires of grief because he had lost her. That's what all of this has been about, hasn't it?]