closed ⚡🌠 can we come back from this

[starshower]

Who: Eustace & Tifa
Which: Closed log
Where: Their treehouse, corgi tree, maybe some other places
What: After Eustace's Noctaere episode, he and Tifa try to put their relationship back together.
Warnings: Trauma, lots of sads, and then probably gross fluff after.


[It had been a struggle even getting home. After they and the others had arrived at Ori's home together, it was at Tifa's insistence that she and Eustace go back to theirs. For as grateful and appreciative as she was for all their help in saving the both of them, there are some things that Tifa would rather they be alone for, and this... whatever this is, is one of them. Never mind the guilt that she feels for having been the one to put them all through it—Eustace can argue with her all he likes, and they can all contend that they shouldn't feel that way, that none of it was her fault, but ever since she woke up from her weakened and frozen state, Tifa couldn't look any one of them in the eye.

Including Eustace.

Even as she walks with their arms slung around each other for support with Eria at their side, the journey home is silent. Only the stirrings of dawn can be heard—the birds that chirp in the canopies, the sound of dew dripping from the leaves, but nothing is quite so loud as their staggered footsteps, or her heart beating wildly in her chest, and her blood roaring in her ears.

Tifa tries to keep her anxiety to a minimum, tries to keep her thoughts straight, but all she can see are the claws of those lindworms as they came down to strike, and their scales that shimmered as they slithered around her. All she can hear are his desperate cries, and the sound of ice and electricity crackling as her vision darkened and her consciousness had begun to fade... She remembers the chill, the grips of death when it threatened to consume her, how cold his fingers were as they brushed against her face. The red in his eyes...

And then when she woke and saw the destruction he'd left behind. Saw her friends bruised and battered from battle. Saw him like that...

The thought is cut short by a sharp breath when they finally arrive at the foot of the stairs leading up to their home, her boot bumping against them when she hadn't been paying attention. The climb up is as dreadful as everything else had been, and she can feel the heat under her boots, the fires that try to claw their way out of the cage she tries to lock them in, to struggle against the trail of ice that forms in their wake. Even the tree's branches and leaves shudder as they walk through the front door, the flowers that decorate their tree that were once bright and vibrant freezing over and shriveling up, dying without a fighting chance.

It isn't until they're safely inside that Tifa so much as looks at him for the first time since they were at Ori's. Perhaps even before. Really looks at him. He's bruised and cut up, and he looks more tired than she's ever seen him.

Her hands fold together as she skirts her gaze away again, down to where she tries to stop her fingers from trembling when she bites back the urge to sob.

Tifa wants to say something, but... what is she even supposed to say? What can she say right now that would make this easier for both of them? She searches and searches her mind for an answer to the question that's been wracking her since they left the cliffside, but she's still coming up short of nothing.

Eria trots over and nudges Tifa with her nose, as if to encourage her to say something to break this tense silence before it all snaps. So, she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a voice so tiny that she's not even sure she's said anything at all, and it crackles, as if this is the first time she's ever spoken a word in her life. It certainly feels that way right now.]

... Do you want to get cleaned up first?

[First.

She kicks herself for it. Any other day and she would have suggested together, but her fear—not of him, but fear for them—is getting the better of her, and maybe that's for the best.]

Comments

[starshower]

[The waking world may be filled with its own doubts, its own uncertainties, but at least there they can take shelter in knowing that they are truly with each other. Here, anything can happen—the dream can twist and turn and in a matter of seconds, this place could go from peaceful and happy to dark and terrifying, and they would only be stuck in that spiral again.

They've tried to face it in this place, and now they'll have to do it as their own selves too, but she takes solace in the fact that he will be there, waiting for her the moment she opens her eyes.

Tifa nods against his forehead, and she gives him a small sound of affirmation as she lets her eyes close and take in his scent, and the way that it mingles with the clear smell of the water, and the sweetness of the flowers as a light wind carries it through the cave. It's so still, so beautiful, and just another testament of how strong they are together.

And just as she feels that tug, Tifa hears those words whispered in her ear.

"Thank you for saving me."

They're ones that she's longed to hear for so, so long and more than that, actually believe.

It's always her who needs the saving, and it's always him who comes to her rescue, always him who rushes to her side. She's always wanted to return the favour, give back something else that he's given her so many times, and every time that she thought she could, she had been too late. Even back in the cave when she woke him from his nightmares and the two of them collapsed together, she had still been too late. By then, all of their friends had fallen by his hand, and Tifa hadn't been able to stop him or save any of them...

But hearing them now...

As she feels that pull that she knows will lead her out of this dream, tears start to fall from her eyes.

And when she wakes up in his arms, they're there. Her face is already streaked with tears she must have shed throughout their sleep, but the moment she realizes where she is and that he's next to her, that they're there in each other's arms, she sobs and curls up against him, using his body as a shield against all the hurt, all the fear that she's felt since arriving here in Reverein.

Her voice comes, small and muffled against the bandages over his chest.]

...I'm so glad...

[flamekthunder]

[He could sense her tearing up at her words, and as if on instinct his mind and body is quick to follow her, to be awake with her. Immediately his arms tighten around her, relieved to have her in his arms while his heart aches at her sobs.]

You're always saving me...

[More quiet words as he tells her what he should have said long before now but never fully realized. It's not that he never noticed or thought of how much Tifa has been there to support him and drag him out of hell. But it was only tonight that made him truly see and understand the depths she would go for him.

She might think he's always rescuing her, but she's the one always rescuing him. Changed him. The one who opened and healed his heart over and over again.]

[starshower]

[She laughs in between her sobs, and she isn't even sure why. Perhaps just hearing those words is enough to make her feel this way, so overwhelmed with relief that her body can't choose between crying and laughing. It's silly, she feels silly, but the way he holds her makes her feel a little better about it.

Tifa shakes her head before she lifts it to seek out a kiss from him, and through her tears, she's smiling.]

No... [She knows she shouldn't argue with him, but she can't help it.] You're the one always saving me. Pulling me out of trouble...

[flamekthunder]

[There's just a soft sigh as he gives her what she seeks—but it's a little rough, as if cutting her off.]

Don't.

[A small bite of her lower lip as he looks down at her with heated, demanding gaze.]

If you're going to make me accept your words, then you have to accept mine.

[Especially when he still feels like he failed her. Only once his words are out does he relent.]

...From the very beginning... You've always been saving me. I wouldn't be here like this without you...

[starshower]

[She makes a small noise in protest, though it isn't much of one when it turns to a sigh when he bites on her lip. It's hard not to feel a little guilty still. She may have saved him this time, but she thinks back to all the others where she has needed him. She tries not to, given that she wants to accept his words, but that may never go away. That feeling of owing him so, so much will always stay with her...

If only because Eustace continues to give, even now, as he holds her here. This feeling of warmth and security, of feeling safe and wanted... it's more than she could ever ask of him, and he chose to give it anyway.]

I could say the same...

[Tifa mutters it gently into another kiss.

They're both here because of each other. They're both here, like this, thanks to each other. Two people whose hearts were vulnerable and closed off...]

Everything now... I owe it to you... I guess... we keep saving each other. That's what we do, isn't it?

[It is an acceptance of his words... in her own way. She doesn't say it, but she shows it in the way she kisses him and then looks him in the eyes.]

[flamekthunder]

...Yes.

[A quiet whisper into another kiss, this one holding for longer.]

You always say you need me... But I need you, too.

[There's the slightest tremor in his voice before he can't hold back any longer, his arms tightening around her as he brings her in for a more fervent kiss, similar to the one back in the dream as they floated in the water. Although he doesn't voice it, she might be able to feel it. Hear it in his pounding heartbeat.

So don't leave me.

Don't just disappear.

Not yet.

Not until he's able to share a little more of his life with her. Not until he can live with only her memories. Not unless the reason she's gone is because she's in her world. Safe.

...With someone he can trust to protect her in his place...

Even if the inevitable continues to hurt more the more he loves her, he can at least prepare for that.

But she can't die.

Not in front of him. For as long as she is within his reach he just wants her to live and be happy, her every breath and every beat of her heart filled with warmth and joy, not fear and despair.]

[starshower]

[He doesn't need to say it. Tifa already knows... because she's the same way.

Those days she had to spend without him, never knowing if he would come back for her, were some of the worst in her most recent memory. She knew she needed him, but the depth that need went, she never quite understood or grasped until she didn't have him there.

Yes, she could survive alone, and she could be strong on her own two feet, but Tifa realized then how much stronger she was with him there. Here... How much she was willing to fight for and protect, even if sometimes, she felt more helpless than not. She feels a little less so with him. A little more confident. Happier...

So, the day that he returned to her life were some of her happiest days, second only to the ones that they spend together camping or cooking or baking or out on the town, simply enjoying each other's company.

Tifa meets his kisses with equal passion, her arms snaking around him to skate over his back where those arrows and swords had been. She touches each spot she remembers, her nails scraping ever so gently over where he had been pierced, as if trying to soothe the ache that was there.]

I'm right here... [she reminds him in between breaths, coming up for air only to seek and give more.

For as long as he needs her, and for as long as she can be, she will be right here.

Her hand takes his and she places it over her chest, right where her heart is beating wildly for him. The heart that he has saved so many times before... it's beating right now because of him. She doesn't say it, of course, but the words are there, and she thinks he needs to hear them.]

Whatever you need, Eustace... I'm here... okay? ... So tell me.

[flamekthunder]

Just stay with me.

[A rough whisper as his body naturally leans over her until he's now half over her, his lips swallowing each breath and word.

And they'll once again engage with each other, reaffirming their love and devotion in the most intimate way. It was already close to noon when they first woke up, and it'll be another hour or so as they continue to lay in bed, blankets a bit more tussled than before. In hindsight.... Eustace wonders if they're pushing it, but when he feels the warmth of her body against his, listen to Tifa's steady breathing as she lightly dozes safely in his arms, he ends up disregarding that concern.

Softly, lightly, his fingertips brush against the bandages on her skin, his brows furrowing before he just releases a small exhale and closes his eyes. He can't bring himself to sleep again just yet, not even for a small daydream. He's certainly a lot more stable than before, but he feels calmer being able to watch her like this. Feel her like this. Listen to her breaths...like this.

So he just continues lightly brush his fingertips over her bare back, tugging the thin sheet over her shoulder as the afternoon sun's rays help warm the room and keep whatever lingering chill at bay, little star flowers dotting the walls and the bed here and there again.]

[starshower]

[Tifa, too, wonders again if what they're doing is wrong. If she should feel guilty when they're both so vulnerable, but she never feels more alive than she's with him like this, reaffirming every promise they've ever made to one another in the purest, sincerest way possible. Words of reassurance are one thing, but to feel his heart beating along with hers, to feel the heat that rises from their skin... She can at least be sure that they are both there. Alive. With each other as completely as possible.

She hardly dozes off, but as the early afternoon rays hit, she finds herself growing more relaxed. More content again. She won't sleep—she can't, even if she wished to, she isn't sure that she wants to. Things are better here, and she knows that the moment she falls, it will be hard to claw herself free from the nightmares that will follow.

Even when she closes her eyes, she's terrified of the dark, so she focuses instead on the light brush of his fingertips over her back. The sound of his calm breaths. The feel of the sun as it shines through the window to light up her skin. She lays there, eyes blinking slowly and sleepily with a lazy smile as she turns to look up at him, her hair tumbling over her shoulder and her back.]

... We should get up.

[Although she doesn't look like she's ready to, and makes no effort to move.]

[flamekthunder]

Mmm...

[He also doesn't want to get up quite yet, but he does realize something.]

...You haven't eaten since yesterday.

[starshower]

[Tifa's lips press into a thin line as that same realization dawns on her.]

I know.

[Her voice is soft, and a touch sad when she realizes, too, that she isn't even sure that she's hungry for food. So much has happened that eating has been the last thing on her mind. Except now that it is, it isn't even her that she's worried about.]

... You haven't either. [And she rises up on her elbows now.] I can go make you something.

[flamekthunder]

[Eustace watches her and there's the natural inclination to pull her back to him. There have certainly been countless times when various meals have been delayed by his greed like this. But this time, rather than out of indulgence he just doesn't like the idea of separating from her just yet. It's irrational, he knows, but it can't be helped given what they just went through.

That and...]

...I'm not that hungry.

[...And despite wanting to not be so selfish and weak, he does end up reaching out to pull her back again, that little bit of distance already too cold for him.]

[starshower]

[She obliges, slipping back into his arms without any protest besides the worried furrow of her brow. If anyone needs to eat something, it's him, but she isn't sure that she wants to push it. Tifa gets it—they have been through a lot, and her stomach still twists into knots every time she lets her mind wander elsewhere besides the pull his warmth has, and how nice it feels to be back at home with him...

But...]

How are you feeling right now?

[flamekthunder]

[He quickly wraps his arms around her as if to keep her in place as he contemplates how to express his current state.]

...Better.

[It's the best he could really say. And it is true that he's calmed and stabilized compared to how he had been when they first came home. The dream... As horrific and terrifying as it had been, her not rejecting him at that time really did help at least start on that long road to recovery.]

[starshower]

[Well, that's a good sign at least, even if she hadn't really been expecting a different answer. The last thing she wants to do is ruin all of this, to take away this comfort, but she also wants to make sure that she takes care of him.]

You know you're going to have to eat eventually...

[Tifa curls up closer into him.]

... Everything else, too. Let me at least go get you something.

[flamekthunder]

[The moment she suggests leaving his body reacts, tensing as his fingers tighten their grip on her. But he quickly realizes his behavior and just as sudden as it happens, he loosens his grip, mentally sighing and reprimanding himself. He can't be acting like this, she'll think it worse than it really is...]

It's not just me. You need to eat as well.

[starshower]

[She really does think it's worse than it really is... or is it actually this bad?

When he loosens his grip on her, Tifa pulls back just far enough to look at him, and to slip her hand between them so that she can press it to his cheek and brush the hair out of his eyes. Even under the rays of the afternoon sun, she can still see the hurt lingering behind them.]

Eustace.

[Her voice is firm, seeking, but patient.]

What is it?

[flamekthunder]

[His hair has always acted like a kind of shield, hiding his weaknesses. Mostly physical, but at times emotional as well. It's not as if he deliberately chose it with all that in mind, but that's how it ended up becoming. So when she pushes back his hair and looks at him so directly and intently, he can feel himself waver, feel more exposed and vulnerable. However, although he stiffens a bit and his gaze shifts away, he doesn't pull away. Regardless how discomforting it is at first, her hand is also comforting.]

...It's nothing.

[He knows full well that's not convincing at all, but he's not sure he knows how to say what it is, either.]

[starshower]

[She might have left it at that, wouldn't have pushed if he hadn't stiffened or turned his gaze away from hers the moment they met, and Tifa lifts herself up on an elbow again so that she's over him, her hair draping over their faces as if to shield them both behind the curtain of black.]

It's not nothing.

[There are mornings when he would pull her back into bed with him and they would lay there together for hours before finally getting up for their breakfast, but this isn't one of those days. This isn't light-hearted or fun, but there's something looming behind his actions that she needs him to voice...

And maybe, it's the same thing she feels when she's apart from him, even like this...

Tifa just wants to understand. Wants to help...]

[flamekthunder]

[He remains silent for several moments before he finally sighs, eyes closing on defeat.]

...It's not...

["Serious" is what he wants to say, but maybe he's the one taking it too lightly as he rationally knows he shouldn't be like this, but emotionally...]

...I'm...

[WOW this really is a lot harder to voice and admit than he thought.

.............]

....I still have...fears of you disappearing.

[Which given how he is the one who has actually left her, he might not should be the one to talk. On the other hand, his version of "disappearing" is more to her getting hurt and dying.]

...If you're not in my hands... I feel nervous.

[Afraid.

Another deep exhale as he feels weak and almost ashamed that he's been driven to this point.]

[starshower]

[She allows him the time he needs to work it out, her fingers lightly and patiently stroking back his hair while she listens. It is a bit strange to see him rendered so speechless like this, to be unable to voice his thoughts as he usually does, but not at all surprising, given what he went through and what he saw. He's so steady, calm, collected all the time... but now, he reminds her of a small, lost, terrified puppy, and it breaks her heart and makes her chest ache for him.

His own heart is so battered and bruised, and she wants to hold it, and show it the care and love that he always deserves.

...

There's silence that follows his answer. It's not tense—at least, not for her—but it's a moment for her to collect those thoughts, as if she's picking them up like glass that's shattered on the floor. Carefully.

She wants to ask him "why"... Why does he feel nervous when she's not right here with him? But it's a stupid question, and one she already knows the answer to, so she refrains from forcing that out of him by asking.

More than that, she feels the same, but had swallowed it all down so that she could better take care of him. Give him everything he needs...]

I promise I'm not going anywhere...

[Her forehead falls to meet his, and she brushes the tips of their noses together.]

... You know, I'm scared of that, too.

[flamekthunder]

[There's a small flicker of pain and guilt as another sigh escapes him.]

...I know.

[They don't talk about it much given that it's not something they would want to, but he knows how heartbreaking it was for Tifa when he disappeared on her—twice at that. But he does wonder if they—he—might have brushed past it too soon. Moved on from it too soon.

He slowly reaches out to touch her hand, fingertips sliding over hers for a tentative hold.]

Is it as bad as this?

[He has a feeling he knows the answer, but he wants to hear Tifa express herself.]

Back then...how bad was it for you?

[starshower]

[Tifa is a bit surprised by the question and looks the part as she stares down at him, and the way her fingers tense beneath his. She tries not to think about it, about their time apart or the inescapable ends. She's not sure she'll ever heal from either of those times, and just like this will continue to be a struggle for him that he'll take with him wherever he goes, it's still one for her.

There's a long, quiet pause that follows.]

It was, yeah. ... It still is.

[Whether that makes him feel better or not, she has no idea, but he doesn't know any of this, does he? She's never talked about or mentioned it. Maybe she's let it show in the lingering kisses and touches, but never like this.

She never intended to voice these worries, but she wants him to know that he isn't alone in feeling them.]

When you came back, I was afraid to even let you out of my sight. And now...

[This is so embarrassing, and she edges her gaze away in shame.]

Even now, I still get scared. Whenever you leave, there's that part of me that worries... that you aren't going to come back.

[flamekthunder]

[There's a sharp intake of breath at her confession. In some ways he should have known or been a little more cognizant it it. But perhaps he had started to forget with how things had been with them lately. Has he been too complacent? Too focused on other things to not notice what was right in front of him?

And the worst part?

He can't promise her anything.

Promise that he'll always return to her or that he won't leave her again. Can't reassure her of anything. Only in Camelot was he able to at least leave her a message goodbye, spend those last moments filled with love, even if he lied to her. Here? He can't prepare.

It's then that he remembers his talk with Oriphi and Diluc. How the thought had also passed through his mind before but he didn't think too much of it.

...Dare he voice them now?

Dare he give her such a false hope?

Would it bring any source of comfort for her?

...]

...I'll find a way.

[His arms tighten around her as he takes the risk.]

[starshower]

Huh—?

[Tifa's head falls to his shoulder when he grips her tighter and for a moment, she only lays there, surprised by his words as she tries to make sense of them. But although her heart is quickening, racing at the prospect of what they could mean, her body relaxes.]

... Find a way for what?

[When it comes to him, it could mean anything, and he's always found a way to do it all.]